10 Things I Will Never Understand

It can be fun to be a mean girl. To sit around with your friends and make fun of everyone else for how hideous they are or how annoying their voice is or how much they remind you of Hermoine Granger. But doesn't it ever get old? I mean... isn't the end of Mean Girls supposed to come and everyone is hanging out with different people and we are all nodding at each other and able to make civil conversation? i think that is called growing up.

Trust me... I love sitting around trash talking everyone, especially the Lindseys... but after a while it feels like a wasted amount of energy hating on people that instead I could spend bettering myself. Think about it like this... if every time I made fun of someone I did ten push ups, my beautiful larger than life arm muscles chizzled by the Gods themselves... would be alot bigger than they already are... and if every time I posted someone on the dirty... I would have ran a mile instead... I would be a lot skinnier than I am now.. and I might have a lot more friends. Like I dont regret it... it was hilarious.. its just not time well speant...


Sometime I feel just as fake as the bitches I make fun of... and I really just want to be an honest person. I dont wanna talk shit just because my friends are or because they hate someone... in fact... most people hate certain people just because everyone else does. Especially at NKU. All of my friends went into that school hearing rumours about all of the teachers and the students already there. Adn they chose to believe them and accept that as the truth. All the people that everyone already hated.. they hated too. They talked the same shit baout the same teachers that they hadnever even had in class!!! I just wish people would get a brain of their own. Form your own opinions. Even if its different from others. Open your mind. I mean really open your mind to a blank slate... forget about all of the rumours you have ever heard about anyone or anything, and open yourself up to your own new and exciting expereince. And if the rumours were true they were true, but at least you cay say you gave it your all.

Most people arent as bad as anyone else makes them out to be. Its just a lot easire to say, "Oh my God I know I hate Laura Wahler too she is such a cocke dealing whore." Than to ask me out to dinner.

But next time you heard a rumour about someone... hang out with them. And see if its true for yourself. Or you just might make amother fucking friend.

2011

January 29th 2012.

Excuse me what? Could I wake up from this dream sometime in the next minute and return to December 2009 where I know real life is...

is it just me or does anyone else feel like we are living in the future?

I just turned 21 and its fucking 2012. People are getting married and having kids... and everytime I find out someone else from high school is pregnant I am like, "Ohhh MYYY GAWWWDDDDD WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?!" and then Lauren is like, "Laura she's like 21 and engaged. She's gonna have the kid." Like its just... normal to be having babies. I feel like we are sooooo fucking young still why is everyone preg and married??? #divorce #abort #kidding #lol

Anyway, I'm sure its been a while since I last posted in this sappy non existant blog anymore, but its like 4 am and I just moved home and I haven't done any drugs today so I can't sleep. I started smoking weed almost a year ago I think... January of 2011. Its really funny story actually... I was trying to clean my ratnasty apartment at Hampton Farms while my roommates were out. I am sure we were all fighting and sick of each other by that point. Anyway, I was getting ready to clean and noticed that I had no trash bags but I also had no money. So I text my friend Caitlin telling her my dilemma and out of the kindess of her heart she invited me into her home and was going to let me use some nice durable black trash bags, I think 3 to be exact. Well anyway we sat down and got to talking and mind you, I had just had a really bad break up, was struggling having my own first apartment, learning how to pay bills and such, and was really stressed out.

"Do you have any weed?" I asked her.
I couldn't believe the words that had just came out of my mouth. Caitlin, just as stunned as I was, with a smirk on her face, and in her low jazzy voice said, "Absolutely."

I was super nervous, my mom taught me that if I got too close to the microwave as a kid that I would get cancer. So she warned me about the deadly substance known as "marrriiijooooannaaaaa."

"You put your finger on this hole right here and suck for a minute until you get a hit, and then you can let go of the shotgun and inhale," Caitlin told me.

WHAaaatttttttt???

So I watched her do it first. Then it was my turn.

Inhale number 1...

"I don't think I got anything.."


Inhale number 2...

I definetely got something... having a small couhging fit, I could at least tell I was doing it right. After a few more of the repeated steps, all of a sudden things looked a little different. Along with the feeling in my body and head, my vision was a bit different. I was a little happier, and everything was a little funnier. And then I got hungry. Then I took Caitlin out and we *bought chipotle. And that was the first time I got high.

It was such a god damn fucking escape from the colourless world around me, not just the weed but the fun time I had smoking with Caitlin. Being nutty and crazy and laughing at everything we thought was funny. As loud as we wanted. Each day after that I was interested in smoking again... more and more...

and now its 2012 and the last year of my life feels like a crazy... crazy blur of just glitter, weed, alcohol, paint, sex, love, hate, tears, mess, lies, and orgasms. I did a LOT of crazy shit. Fucked up shit. ooops. my bad. thats why I have a tattoo that means sinner in greek. I would never change 2011 for anything.

And I can't wait to see what 2012 has in store....

hopefully some crack.

jk I think ima start working out a bunch oh and im like kind of a vegan. like... 90% of the time... its like my sexuality. Im such a wishy washy bisexual vegan fuck with fried hair.


ughhhhh. night

Waking up on my 21st birthday I was super excited to look down and pick up my cell to see the 50+ messages from all of my friends and or aquatences, you know like back in high school. Well to my surprise when I looked down at my phone there was only 1 text. And it was from this random girl who lives in dayton that I have hung out with once. Actually, she was with me the night I started drawing on the walls and painting a mural on my room back at my old apartment. Gee, I thought, times have changed.

Then the night of my 21st birthday party I was so excited for all of my friends to be there. New, and old, just to gather and meet everyone. And then my best friend since 6th grade who is only in town for another week didn't even show up.

Times are changing, Gale. We aren't all best friends anymore. And no one really cares. Everyone has there own lives that they care way more about and my friends are slowly fading into those people who only write on my Facebook wall on my birthday, opposed to a phone call or even a text.

We are all drifting. I'm 21. It's now or never. Its time to shit or get off the pot. This is the age where everyone stops caring about how much potential you have, someone once told me. And its true I mean, why should anyone care about what you COULD do or SHOULD do or WILL do. The only things that matter are the things you actually set your mind out to do.

I feel a new wavelength coming on. I feel change. and like Rafiki says... it is time.

ughhhhh I don't know I have just been thinking about a lot lately. As per usual and I have a topic I want to write about.

Love and monogamy.

Okay so depending upon what you believe... this article may not apply to you, I for one however do not believe that we were all just plopped down here one day, I strongly believe in the hard evidence and scientific facts of evolution. With that being said... I believe we evolved from the apes, hence we are animals.

I had a huge fight with this autistic kid on my bus every day after school. He would have all of his little animal toys out on his seat and be playing with them and me and this really mean bully kid named Jake would tell him, "You know Jonah... you're an animal too."

"I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! ANIMALS ARE GIRAFFES AND FROGS AND LIZARDS AND I AM NOT ONE!!!!"


"Jonah... you're an animal...."



and so on and so forth until we got tired of it.

However, humans are mammals, and mammals are animals. And I ain't never seen a dog get married... so its like, what the fuck are we doing thinking we are all high and mighty? Do elephants at the zoo make each other valentines day cards? No, they don't waste their money on construction paper and glue and rhinestones because their brains arent developed enough to let them think and process and watch movies and films and listen to songs about "love." So they are never given the oppourtunity to believe in the lie that love is.



“We fall in love when our imagination projects nonexistent perfection upon another person. One day, the fantasy evaporates and with it, love dies.”
- Spanish philosopher Jose Ortega y Gasset


I mean... I think the Spaniard has a point.


You hear it all the time... phrases like, "girl/boy of my dreams."
"he's/she's everything I ever wanted."


We create the perfect person in our head and its just not out there. And dont even get me started on monogamy...


sex is soooo animalistic. and I feel if you can let yourself become animalistic during sex, and let that pure instinct inside of you just rip off the clothes of that person laying in front of you, or standing over you, or sitting at a diner table, or in the movie theatre.... wherever your sex may be, have fun. play a little. fuck like a wildabeast or a lion or a cheetah or even a cra cra zebra.

HElllllloooo everyone! Whats up?! I have actually been doing a whole fucking lot with my life in this vacation from work and school. I started a really awesome project the other day. That's what I keep doing and starting these "projects" of mine. I don't really know what I want to do with my life but I know what I truly love doing is creating. Creating art, in a lot of different forms. Whether its photography, clothing, hair, make up, paint, or paper and a pen I love doing it. I have decided I want to return to UC in the fall and I am not sure what I want to major in. I have been looking into english, journalism, even some DAAP programs and CCM. But this time its not theatre I'm all enthused about. I've been thinking about electronic media. I just want to create and make projects of my own and instead of listening to someone who doesn't know what they are talking about who was in 1 broadway musical tell me how to act, I'm going to learn how to work the camera so I can make my own television show, because bitch I'm already hilarious. There is some really cool quote that I am not looking up right now that goes a little something like this... if you are looking for a really funny movie out there thats real specific that you just cant find, make your own movie. If you aren't getting cast in shows, make your own television show. If there is a book out there you wanna read that isn't written yet, write it. Create something unique and new in this world that you can share that isn't there yet. Don't just copy your predaccesors, give and contibute to the beautiful world of art that surrounds us everyday that we dont even see.

So for my project, I decided to paint the walls of my room. I did this over night one night and stayed up until about 5 am. I like to invite friends to come over and paint with me, and leave a little mark of theirs on the wall in my room. It's so cool so see all different types of drawings and paintings and words and objects. I absolutely love it.

sometimes I look at our old pictures and wonder if you even remember me
I wonder if your family refers to me as the time you dated that crazy blonde freak... or if my name isn't mentioned at all. How could someone that meant the world to you at one moment in time mean completely nothing at a seperate moment in time. Our love wasn't real, from the moment it began. We were both looking for a fairy tale ending but what we got was real life instead. I didn't meet your families standards so you dumped me on the side of the road like yesterdays trash, and I can't thank you enough for letting me go. For you are definitely not the one I am supposed to live my life with, you made me insecure and you made me feel horrible about myself. You fucked with my young head and you knew what you were doing. Don't you think 19 is a little young? You were older and had been through love before and I hadn't. You swore the old you was gone and you were a new and changed woman for me. You wanted us to have a life together. You cheat on every one you make a relationship with. You were so beautiful to me and you picked me up and made me feel like no one else in the room mattered. You might say that you were entering the real world and I was too young but I need this time I needed this time to experiment and experience and just live my fucking life. You got to go through all of the things I am going through now. We used to say we'd end up together. I wonder what you think about that now. I wonder if you ever think about me or if you miss me at all. I wonder why I let your rejection sit in the back of my mind like an old book ina library that someone only picks up once a month just to remind themselves why they would never want to read it. How are you picking my brain a year later and urging me to write about you. MEmories are flooding back through my head as I sit here and look at pictures. You always said everything happens for a reason, but sitting here over a year later from our break up I can't find a reason for you, because I'm still falling for the same shit and I'm still getting hurt. Abby, oh abby, what did you do to me?

Reality Television absolutely killed tv. They think of the... and I am just going to say it... the most RETARDED shit these days. Like... Idol? Should have been over a LONG time ago. After Paula abdul dipped out it was all down hill from there. And to be honest without simon that show is nothing. I mean, I dont even know who any of the fuckin idols are expect Kellie fuckin Pickler. God she was a nice piece of blonde ass. Id tear that shit UP.

Do you ever want to take a loaded hand gun and shoot your radio in your car in the face? Like if I have to hear another fukcing Bruno Mars, KT Perry, or Adele song I am going to shit a brick and take said brick and slap Kiss 107 Fm in the mother humping jaw with it. I HATE HEARING ALL OF THOSE RE FUCKING TARDED SONGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Thank GOD for Born This Way... even though...

born this way...

like. marry the night.government hooker.judas. AMERICANO. HAIR. EDGE OF GLOR. you and I. BLOODY MARRY. Black Jesus...

other than that... honestly. I dont know what happened. I will give them a chance soon but they all sound the same OH MY GOD BAD KIDZZZ!!!! Love that. cant forget about that. I love you gaga but some of these are definitely throw aways... in my opinion. im going to stop myself. Im in love with you. you are great. but Im not going to follow you until I love you on this album. I mean

who are we kiddin

I am.

You know what... I hate going to restaraunts on the west side of Cincinnati because chances are when I enter the building I have harassed at least one of the waitresses or waiters online via Facebook, MySpace, Aim or Thedirty.com Sure enough tonight as I walked in to the LaRosa's on Glenway I saw about three fat hogs I graduated with from highschool. Excuse me, did I say hogs? I meant, hogs. Thats right. I don't know what it is about graduated from high school that says it's now okay to become a daily subscriber to Krispee Kreem but some of the girls sign right up the day school ends. And if there bellies aren't full of doughnuts, pizza, chipotle, and college boy sperm, its filled with a baby. Pregnant or fat. Those seem like some of the only options after high school to a young woman. I however have decided to take another route. Anyway, back to family dinner with the looneytunes. So... I used to avoid certain restaraunts on the westside, knowing that certain people I went to high school with worked at them, but these days anymore I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I like going actually, and I always like looking great and holding my head high. Like... I mean I know why people don't like me. It's because I make fun of them and act like a lunatic. But... here it is, I actually am crazy. There I said it. I'm coming out of the padded closet. But all famous people are crazy, and that 1 of my three aspirations in life.

1. FAME
2. SKINNY
3. BLONDE

Those are relaly the only three things I want in my life. oh. there are 4.

4. LOTS AND LOTS OF ORGASMS.

I like sex. But... I'm really getting side tracked from the story. So I stomped in to Larosas in a yellow t shirt and skirt that looked like a picnic table cover, ankle boots, a black blazer, eyeliner running down my face painted on the day before, messy blonde hair, and I feel like there might have been lipstick on my neck. Anyway, the key to be hated is to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS show off your confidence, and tits. If you have them... DO NOT BY ANY MEANS TRY TO SHOW OFF YOUR CLEAVAGE IF YOU ARE FLAT CHESTED LADIES!!!

Thats like having a small penis. Nothing good can cum from it. ahhh! ;)

So the ugly hostess sat us and up pops our waiter. "Fuck." I thought immediately. I totally posted his girlfriend on thedirty.com like last summer. Not only that but I once make a facebook status about his girlfriends friend that got trampled at our senior prom. It read:

"HAHAHAHAHAHA I just remember when Lindsay Jobst got trampled at prom."

Like... first of all... Lindsay Jobst had an orange face and a white neck. Like... two criteria which allows anyone to hate her. And for the most part... everyone did hate her and thought it was funny that she got trampled during sandstorm. Like I even remember one guy saying to me

"yeah dude we were all like fuck who are we stompin on man and then we found out it was that slut Lindsay Jobst with a orange face and a white neck so I stomped on her chest."

Like... LIT ER A LEE no one liked her. But as soon as I decide to make my status about her... EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER has to start defending her. Thats what people do. They talk shit about everyone until I finally say something out loud (or in writing sitting behind my computer where I can still say what I want but no one can punch me in the face) and then they act all fucking fake and start defending all of the ugly fuckers with warts on their faces that I talk about. It astounds me. I hate people. I just want to be a fuckign stand up comedian and tell these stories. BEcause I know that at least the general audience will at least laugh at me and then go home and talk shit behind my back like a damn good friend. I am a bad friend. I post shit ONLINE.

Back to the pizzeria...

So, my mom usually doesn't make me go to restaraunts where people would want to shoot me but I said I didn't care tonight. Well... then I got there and I saw all of the people there who hated me and what their reasons were and I was like fuck... someone is totally going to piss in my water tonight. Or like... my spaghetti is about to get FUCKED WITH. So I just want the staff of LaRosa's on Glenway to know that if you did fuck with my food tonight. Fuck you. I don't care. Props to you. At least you aren't still bitching about how I posted you on thedirty and not doing anything about it. And... if you didn't do anything... well this is just another example about the fact that I think people care about me WAYYYY more than they do because well, I'm famous. ;)

So halfway through the dinner my 21 year old brother who still lives at home who is engaged who has slept with his fiance less times than I have slept with my recent fuck buddy, starts talking about all of the exxxxpennnsiiiveeee food he eats and how him and his classy expensive girl friend have tried crab, and veil, and sushi, and blah blah blah boo boo boo no one is listening to you talk asshole. He and his fiance think that they are so much better than me because they try expensive food and they go to fancy restaraunts and because they don't get open containers and they dont drop out of college and they dont bleach their hair or get tattoos or have piercings or whatever the fuck it is that day that makes them better than I. But what gets me is that... YEAH, IM SURE YA DO HAVE LOOOADSSSS OF $$$$MONEY$$$$ to spend on fucking crab and veil because you mother fuckers dont have any goddamn bills to pay because you live at home and you are just playing fucking house.

ID LIKE TA SEE YA MOVE OUT! HOW MUCH VEIL YOU BE EATIN THEN ASSHOLES??? HUH????

I remember when my brother asked me if I had tried any form of Japanese food or if I had ever had veil and I said, NO DICKFACE I eat .99 cent boxes of spaghetti from kroger and thats how I get buy.

fucking veil.

You know what... I may be two years out of high school with nothing to show for it. I may have dropped out of school and I may have gotten fired from a few jobs. I may be partying too much and not taking life seriously. I may waste most of my money on cigarettes, weed, and hair bleach.

BUT AT LEAST I DIDN'T GET FAT.

Infact, I've lost about 20 lbs since high school and I've never looked better than I do today. I dress how I want, and I act how I want. I may be a little too loud and a little too shiny and a little too blonde for the average housewife. But I'm not the average housewife. I'm the housewife who has an affair with another housewife. I'm the housewife who fucks my 17 year old high school gardener. I'm that housewife who runs away to vegas and does coke. I'm a fantasy. Housewife. The only fucking suburbia I belong in is Wisteria Lane, killin bitchez and fuckin highschool boys since 2009.

So be my guest... stay in the midwest. Get pregnant. Have a baby. Get married. Become a nurse. I never want my life to be anything less than a 20 out of 10. Above and beyond. High. I want my life to look like a movie for the viewer at all times. No matter what.

I really am the star of my own movie. And I'm going to be famous. Just wait and see. 5.16.11

Do you all remember the hours of pain and agony we used to spend each night screaming with our mothers asking if friends could stay the night? I do. Like... the worst was when you didn't even get your whole sentence out: "Hey mom, since we're off school tomorrow can-"

"NO!"

LIKE CUNT YOU DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS BOUT TO ASK.

Or you do get your whole sentence out and they are like no not tonight but like you just spent the entire afternoon planning a sleep over with your best friend like no is not the answer. You want your friend to come over and you want those hours of talking about boys and eating pizza and laughing and peeing your pants. You cannot just let your mother destroy that with one stupid single fucking no.

That is where I learned to throw TEMPER TANTRUMS. Like screaming and crying and begging and begging and they just keep on saying no, so then you threaten to kill yourself if they wont let you go to a friends or have a friend come over. You go to your room. you cry. you act like the world is over. I swear each time within 20 minutes to an hour my mom was walking right in my room with her keys ready to take me to sammi scholls so I could drink whiskey and kiss girls.

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when im with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQls53Piuj0

The thing I love about Lady Gaga is that when I am looking to hear a song from her, I don't think of what song specifically but what exact performance of hers I want to hear. Do I want to hear her at the Grammys? Do I want to hear her at the VMA's? An old recording of her at Tisch or do I want to here track 7 off of The Fame Monster? Can you Gaga superfans guess what that track is? Look for answers at the end of this blog. She has so many different sounds of each different song its so nuts and each make me love her for another reason. Not only the songs and how she sings them, but the music video artistry, live performance art, and how she never ever wears jeans and a t shirt. She feels like her life is one big piece of art, and thats so damn beautiful.

I hate people. I really hate people who fuck with you. But do you let yourself be fucked with? Do you have any control over what happens or do they have all the control? Could they have stopped it, stopped you... should you have stopped yourself?

Like everytime it happens you think its the last time and you think you are going to be smarter the next time but you aren't.

I had a dream I met Lady Gaga last night.

So I was at some sort of weird form of a Monsterball somewhere in my head and dream world and I swear there were little chinese girls running around and I think that is because I went out to Grand Buffet the evening before with Shane. Anyway Gaga was like swinging on ropes and visiting people in the audience and she swung by me but I didnt get to talk to her and there was like low security at this concert and when I say low security I mean no security and I was able to walk right up to the front row of my section and I sat down and sadly I wasnt wearing anything fantastic I think I had came from work but she started talking to me and then I startd crying and she asked me why I was crying and what was wrong because there was an asian girl sitting next to me crying for being kicked out of the navy and she had a legit reason and I wasn't kicked out of the navy or anything and I said to her, "Well I hope you don't think this is stupid but just being able to speak to you means so much to me you are like everything to me and I look up to you and what you stand for so much." And I pulled down the back of my shirt to show her my bad romance tattoo and she loved it and then I asked to take a picture with her really quick on my cell phone and she freaked the fuck out like she was some sort of vampire that couldnt have its picture taken and I tried to snap was as she fleed the scene and nothing showed up on my phone but A blurry picture of neither of us.

But sadly I just checked my gallery and the only picture that comes up is this.


A picture of me sitting exactly where I was last night before I went to sleep. Writing.

AWESOME!

So I am 20 years old and I am sitting in the computer room of my mothers house and I just downed 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches made with Smucker's Goober Grape. The kinda of PB&J that is all mixed together. Its so fucking delicious. But I swear there are chunks in the peanut butter. Who the FUCK buys chunky peanut butter... like what if everything had the option to include chunk or no chunk. Like semen. Or orange juice.

So when I told you I was in the computer room I meant the spare room at my moms house that has all of my old stuffed animals in it in piles that my mom decided to throw a computer room. Oh, and its easter Sunday. I recently dropped out of college and I work at the mall. I sell pretzles. At one of those pretzle stands. Yeah... do you ever get a pretzle from one of those and see the really ugly fat guy standing there selling them to you? Well thats me. So what exactly stops me from killing myself? Fame. Beauty. and Sex. And Money and music and movies and scripts and lyrics and poems and long hair and sunshine. That is what I love.

I think its safe to say when I am being interviewed on a talk show sometime in the next 5 years that when they ask who my best friend in college was I will say Lady Gaga. Like... I like her so much more than anyone. I would rather listen to Judas than talk to most people. I was definitely closest with my Fame Monster CD, glitter, my lap top, the radio. I like art, not people. And I fucking love sex. I love orgasming. I love cumming. I looooove the fucking build up to that one phenomenal burst of pleasure that can make your eyes roll into the back of your fucking head and make you tremor afterwards. I love sex with other people and I love sex with myself.

I love ladies. I dont like girls and I dont like women. I love fucking ladies. Make up high heels long hair with looks to kill and an attitude to match. I love bad people. I love danger and I love hurt. Im psychotic Im twisted Im gonna get evicted.

I will write until I pull each and every last blonde hair out of this head.

work work work.

Well. It's time for me to turn over a new leaf... that isn't pot. It's time for me to be responsible, and healthy. It's time for me to grow up. I know this controdicts everything I have been saying the past week or month of my life but I think if I want to be succesful I need to do a lot less partying and a lot more wokring towards what I want. There is time to party and let loose but you have to be able to moderate it, and I have NOT been doing a good job of it. I miss you, I do. No matter what I say or what I do... I do miss you.

and as hard as it is for me to give up my popstar life for right now, this little tranny is putting the glitter back into her drag closet.

I just need to be real. And, what I have been doing isn't. I dont know. I just know I need to grow up.