I don't fight, I don't argue, I just hit that bitch with a CACTUS.

I think it's truly sad how insecure and self conscious people are. Maybe it is something you can't help and that I just don't understand, but I think if you really tried, took a deep breath, and realized that what ignorant frat boys think of you doesn't matter, you would be a lot better off.

For instance, I met the saddest girl of my life this past weekend. From the moment I stepped into this creeky house on in clifton she had already blabbed about how boys were about to come over. Like we were fucking 12 and we were calling boys at one of our sleep overs. She was so excited about getting wasted and having the opposite sex within range of her, because that is what she is supposed to like, (when clearly she was making out with straight girl and holding and hands and all over eachother?) Regardless, her and her gayboyfriend left to go get some liquor and asked us what we wanted, we being Caitling and I, and we said nothing.

So Lindsay comes back with some parrot bay (SCHWASTED!?!?) and some off brand ORANGE DRANK. Literally named, "Orange Drink." My heart stopped. My beloved orange drink was in my presence and memories of spduff flooded through my mind. Where is my twinkling star??? Anyways, having drank a few nights before I was really content not drinking and staying sober so I poured myself a delicious cup of oraannggee drannkkk, awaiting it's sweet taste to my beautiful lips. As they met up and the liquid entered my mouth I was filled with nothing but hatred and disgust for this jack ass imposter pretending to be orange drank. Dumbbitchlindsay was so proud of herself for buying something that caitling and I wanted, yearning for attention and acceptance so I immediately spit this joke of a drink out and said "What is this nonsense?!?!"

DBLINDSAY: o0o0o0o That's OranGe DrINkkk guRrLL I goTt it foRr yEwwww!! <3 ***** lolz
ME: THIS SAD EXCUSE FOR A BEVERAGE AIN'T GOT SHIT ON MCDONALDS ORANGE DRINK, AIN'T GOT SHIT.
DBLINDSAY: O0o0o No0o0o0o0o!! do Yew StiLL lyKeee mE??????
ME:of course not.

hahahahaha of course that dialogue didn't go just as I wrote, but it's still funny nonetheless. So then nignorant fool wants MORE alcohol I guess she wasn't fucked up enough to feel pretty so she decides she wants to walk to the liquor store and I am bored out of my mind listening to gay boys talk about hair product and ashton kutcher so I convinced caitling to walk with her and me to the liq stor.

Before we leave, nig is soo starved for some attention and/or some dick. She kept telling us how she is horny and a slut. So she decides to change out of her clothes and into some dressthatreallyisashirt from kohls and wears it with a pair of black boots. She was acting all lyke OMIgoD iS thIs oKaaY I CaNt BeLiEvE I am WeaRiNg ThIs and I was like BITCH SHUT UP I WEAR LINGERIE TO THE CLUB n she was lyke okay...

So you can practically see this girls uterus, she probably should have worn leggins, but then she wouldn't have been lindsay. sad thing is, I am pretty sure her real name is stephanie. Regardless, caitlin and I and bitchface start walking to the liq and I offered to drive a nigress several times as I wanted to holler at some mickey dee's and she said no, OBV because she wanted to be hollered at by some bois but I don't think she understood that "holler" means "rape and kill" nowadays. But like... it was hot... and I don't like to walk in my glittered combat boots so after a few steps and being stared down by an unidentified black man (he will remain anonymous, to protect his rights.) I said, I don't want to go, and caitlin said me neither, and lindZ4lYfe said well I can go by myself and you guys can just go back the house... and we were like... k...

So lindsay left and I had a horrible gulity conscious on me like when I used to use my mom's work laptop to look at porn, well not quite but like if she would have became the next gregory hand email I would have kind of felt responsible but I will just let you all know now that to my knowledge she is not dead. So as time passes by we didnt hear from her and then the cops pull up the house and we are like dear lord saint james above us all lindsay was killed, but no, she gets out of the back and thanks the cops for bringing her hom. NIGRESS GOT LOST AND ASKED THE POPO TO BRING HER BACK. LYKE. GURL. ughhhhhh. she forreallllz irritated me that night.

So fast forward, we walk to a part down the street, caitling, linds n me and we get to this partay and everyone is drinking, wasted, partaying it up and I was sooo thirstt because of the failed orange drank and I busted in that house and was like, "YO, WHO GOT THE DR PEPPER??" and everyone is like who is thie girl in green cargo shorts and black combat boots with glitter on them...? No dr pepper. Mountain dew, and these gross ass boys didnt even have a clean cup in the house everything was a messed, I insisted the host of the party clean me a cup which he wasn't too opposed to doing it. So then caitling and I found some board games upstairs and threw them out the window. jumanji and othello RIP. But then, we found THE CAACTUS.

I saw a cactus plant sitting on the porch of a house across the street and I wanted it for my own personal use. So I made caitling go get it and then we had a photoshoot with cactus while the party was going on. Then we gave the cactus to linsday and she chugged her parrot bay faster than you could say OMGGOD THESE BITCHES HAVE A CACTUS.

Then lindsay was gone for a really long time.

moral of the story: don't buy off brand orange drink. you will get pregnant. and die.

Betty Boop

So today after I got out of the shower I decided to braid my hair for old times sake, and remembered how girl used to braid their hair the night before school and take the braids out in the morning and wear their hair "kinky." What fucked up little middle schooler girl thought that ever looked good?

Then I thought I should probably go on to facebook and make a group called, "Sleeping With Your Hair In Braids The Night Before School So Your Hair Is Curly The Next Day" and see how many people waste nano seconds of their life clicking "Like."

That's when I remembered I had a blog, and I can bitch about all of these nameless people on here.

So another thing that really grinds my gears these days is cell phones. There are all of these commercials out there, mainly for verizon, that are like, "Do you want to Mapquest how to get to your local KFC and sext your history teacher at the same time??? TRY THE DROID!!!!!" Like seriously? Cell phones do wayyyyy too much these days we don't need all of those fucking applications. Pretty soon the next time I have to take a shit I am going to open up the menu on my phone and go to the toilet application and hit transform and Voilà! There is a nice off white porcelain potty for me to do my business in. Calling, texting, facebooking, tweeting, myspacing, chatting, online banking, getting the news, how do we even have time to sit down and watch a nice classic movie like The Burbs or even Surfin Ninjas. We don't. Our lives are in these piece of shit plastic shitboxes that cause us so much pain, heart ache, annoyance, and honestly I am just going to admit it, health issues. But now a days something as simple as baking brownies or watching a Days of Our Lives episode is grounds for getting cancer. I never even take the time to look around me and notice I am alive in a beautiful world because I stare at my cell phone screen. And back to heart ache, how many times have we all heard, "He won't call me back, he won't text me back, he won't answer my calls, he got mad because I snuck into his house and cut off a piece of his hair and kept it in a baggie." Like get the fuck up off yo ass and go do somethin bout that double chin of yours n maybe baby daddy will call you back.

Also what the fuck is up with this Greyson Chance kid??? First Justin Beiber and now him? I feel like The Fame Factory is looking for a different venu these days, it seems as though all you need is 3 things 1) Be or look like you are twelve and also look like a raging lesbian at the same time, 2)Sing a cover or a popular song and post it on youtube, and C) Not hit puberty.

What happened to Bleach blonde hair, big boobs, a nice tan, and a bright smile. How the fuck can they tell me one thing and then change the criteria umpteen years later. I am calling my lawyer, I haven't gotten a nice, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN TROUBLE FOR ___ MONTHS, CONRAGULATIONS! card from him in a while.

PRETZEL MONKEY.

My Views On Parents

So our parents buy us cell phones and on day one they tell us to use them for emergencies only. Mom, Dad, you just gave me a device where I can contact whoever I want WHENEVER I want and I will be damned if you are telling me to use it only if I am stranded at the house and have a craving for a dominoes extra cheesy two topping pizza or whatever the hell other type of emergency a 12 year old can have, right? Giving a teenager a cell phone and telling them not to use it to text and call friends is like giving a serial killer a knife and mapquest directions to Jonbenet ramsey's house. Neither of them are going to listen. And both of them are probably going to end up hurting their hands.

Anyways, so then we FINALLY get invited to that popular girl's sleep over sophmore year, and just as the clock strikes midnight and we have finished putting on our make up and high heels and are hopping out of sammi scholl's window to run and get the jack daniels, you call and ask where I am, and if you can talk to sammi's mom. FUCK NO YOU CANT TALK TO SAMMI'S MOM I AM TRYINA GET DRUNK RIGHT NOW AND YOU ARE EMBARASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS. Just like giving us a diary, a cell phone was a just an electronic way to invade our privacy.

"Oh here sweetie, here is this pretty purple plastic Lisa Frank diary with a plastic lock terry schiavo could have broken by mubling "Buggaboo" out her mouth why dont you write all your secrets in here so I can just open it up when you turn 16 and freak out about how you kissed boys." So I take it, I fill it up with all of my middle school secrets and walked my 11 year old ass to the nearest home depot, slammed a 20 down on the counter and asked for a MasterLock with a key slot for 10 bucks and I won't be paying a dollar more. okay, that didnt really happened but it sounded funny. In reality I took a metal lock of a seperate diary and put it on there and kept it in the most secretive place no one would ever, ever dare look. don don don... under my matress! ha yeah right, next to the back of my closet that was about the dumbest place to put ANYTHING from notes to my friends to alcohol bottles years later, why did't I ever learn that if I wanted to keep something secret from my mom I needed to purchase one of those storage plots in the middle of nowhere where like families keep extra lawn mowers and rakes or whatever, I needed extra space for my diaries and pokemon cards. and my magic wands.

back to the topic of cell phones, I hate when our parents call and call and call and we don't answer because maybe we are on the last level of mariok kart and maybe some of us are smoking a joint behind show case cinemas, either way, WE AREN'T READY TO TALK TO YOU AT THE MOMENT, so you call and call anda call and when we finnally, finally answer you SAY OHHHMYYYGAWWWDDDDDD STEVEENNN YOU COULD HAVE BEEEN DEAD IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE AND YOUR FATHER NEVER WOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretty sure channel 12 would have let the community know if the body of a missing teen was found dead in a ditch. They are never "dead in ditches" either. Its always backs of cars, dumpsters, you know serial killers these days just keep surprising us. I feel like the next time I open up a box of frosted flakes some missing kids finger from the 80's is going to fall out. This isnt funny....

so you bitch us out when we dont answer your calls and then the one time, THE ONE TIME we actually need to talk to YOU because we are running low on code red mountain dew or we want you to tevo the VMA's because lady gaga is performing, you know ACTUAL EMERGENCIES, your bitch ass doesnt answer!!!!!!

Dont tell me to answer my phone if you aren't going to answer yours.

two wrongs dont make a right and I apologize to all families affect by this blog, The Ramsey's, Schaivo's and any families of missing kid's from the 1980's. my B.

The Fuck?

So I was really tired this morning and this after noon as I was taking a nap, as I kept waking up and re setting my alarm to 1:10pm, 1:25 pm, and so forth. Finally hopping out of bed around 1:30 pm I quickly rushed down the stairs in an uproar about how much I hate school and didn't want to go take a damn test blah blah blah blah. I see my mother quietly sitting on the couch assuming she is being awkward and weird like always and I ask her what's wrong and she told me Fluffy, the family's 15 year old grey-ish silver persian feline friend is sick. You know, we have had our number of puss's over the past years and I have learned that cats live, get sick, and die. Along with birds,fish, sperm, and our grandparents. It is a part of life when you have animals that they will get sick and no longer be able to be with us. I told my mother I was sorry and she asked me if that was all I had to say about our cat dying and I was like YOU DIDN'T TELL ME HE WAS DYING! THE BITCH COULD OF HAD THE COMMON COLD LIKE WHAT DOES SICK MEAN TO YOU? I really didn't have time to argue the legistics of my cat's last few years/months/whatever. No one really knows what is wrong, he is a furry friend and I will go pet him soon.Regardless, I didn't have time to argue because I had to get to my test in "How Life Works" at 2:00 pm. "How Life Works"... amI even going to touch on the title of that class...? No. SO I am driving, driving, driving along and all of a fucking sudden I see one of those big yellow flashing arrows that is telling you to get over a lane and there is all of this backed up traffic and I am just like REALLY????I AM SO FUCKING HAIPHEY BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE A TEST AND YOU CHOSE TO DO CONSTRUCTION ON THIS ROAD RIGHT NOW??? IT DONT NEED NO FUCKING CONSTRUCTION.

So I got passed that and I reach McMillian whatever the fuck mcchicken suck my dick street and I CANT EVEN FUCKING DRIVE UP IT!!!!!!!! IT IS BLOCKED OFF LETS PUT SOME NEW BLACK TOP DOWN WE DONT HAVE ANY OTHER USES FOR THIS MONEY PERHAPS THE CITY COULD PROVIDE MY FUKCING HOUSE WITH SOME DAMN MOTHER FUCKING CABLE OR AT LEAST SOMEPIZZA ROLLS CAUSE I AM DAMN FUCKING HUNGRY. So I have to drive ALLLLL THEHHHHEEEE WAY down almost to fucking northside, I should have just gone to Bronz, I would have learned a lot more and there are way cooler people.

So naturally I was a little late to my exam and I walked in huffing and puffing, sit down look at the test, have NO idea what this shit is about, I have let my acedemia go whack lately and so I was like well FUCK. Then there are all these mother fuckers like taking the test and I just have no idea where rRNA likes to hang out on Saturdays you know? SO I bubbled in the few answers I knew, from question 30-60 I answered 1/3 C, 1/3 B, and 1/3 D all in a row. Because my teacher once told me if I dont know the answer and I have a word bank. Use the same word on all 20 questions, because then you will at least get 1 right. That teacher later was fired for snorting cherry jolly ranchers during my OGT, but that is another story for another time.

So I got up after 20 minutes, first one done, obv the kid who didnt study, and I mean I wasnt embarrased,it is no more embarrasssing to leave the test early than it was to arrive late huffing and puffy with these nasty troots and a half clean shirt that reads "Je$u$ is Neat." on the front.

CALL INS ARE WORTHLESS.

I remember in third grade I told my fellows classmates that I didn't play by the rules.

I may not have a clean room, there might be mcchicken wrappers at the bottom of all the junk in my car, perhaps even a hard as a rock couple weeks old bun. There might be dark eyeliner circles forever tattooed underneath my under eyes, and I might not shower everyday. I might have had one too many detentions in highs school, and I might have never been on time to class. I may not have been the head cheer leader or student council president, and I might have gotten kicked off the newspaper staff. (But who is 19 and writing for the Cincinnati enquirer and who still is teaching high school students? ;] ) I might have talked during your classes and been a little obnoxious. I might have cussed out my german teacher on the final day of classes my freshman year. I may have been fired from a job here and there for writing blogs online or not attending CPR seminars. I may have no money in my bank account and the nail polish on my fingers might be two months old.

I may not be perfect in the eyes of most of you, but to someone I am. All of the little imperfections and flaws are what makes me who I am, and I might not play by the rules all of the time, but I sure as hell live my life to fucking fullest every damn day I am alive, from when I wake up, to when I shut my eyes. I know how to stretch out 24 hours into a lifetime. So I may not have gotten straight A's-ever. And I may never accomplish that, but at the end of each day I feel as though I made that day count even more than the one before. I feel like that, is living.

what

I think if we are going to yell at horny teenagers for sexting there should probably be a law that says you can't leave your christmas lights up past valentines day, as both result in angry neighbors.

All of these drag queens on facebook make me want to delete them, and it's not just because they update their status about their next show every five minutes either, a lot of it has to do with their lack of education and horrible, horrible grammar. I am making a vow to be the most educated drag queen The Dock has ever seen.

Don't you think if you got fired from your job this week you should probably stop playing farmville and at least go to like jobmonsterhut.com or something and pretend like you are trying to fix yourself and your situation...?

I think arrogant people are the happiest people.

Some girls were just born with testosterone in their veins... don't judge. JD.

Remember when I put a poster of Chad Michael Murray on my wall? I don't.

we should all stop pretending that facebook is just a social networking site and probably begin to not only offer minors but majors with courses that actually apply to every day life. like if you wanted to be a private investigator, you know reading someone's wall to wall is a lot like investigating crimes accept it's not. at all. and like farmville 101 and happy aquarium classes. we really shouldn't even leave our rooms we can all hang out on facebook every day. no need to bathe, eat, or put on make up since we can live off of this flourescent light beating on my ever so large pupils at the moment.

have you ever noticed that FAILURE spelled backwards is JUSTIN BIEBER?

Just like there is a pizza guy, cable guy, plumber and so forth, I want to be the designated krispee creme woman. whenever someone is out of doughnuts or just wants some, call me or visit my website and I bring you some doughtnuts and stuff.

If you cut your hair you are basically letting everyone know that they won.

Don't beat around the bush.

When you are at a resteraunt and you order and appetizer, chill out first of all. appetizers are for the weak. but chill if you dont have little plates to set your little food on. they are coming. its okay. you don't really need your slushy refilled... you don't. no more ranch sauce. no.

I think we all could learn a lot from that welch's grape juice girl. where did she go anyway?

OMG LYKE?

So I really want to start making "video blogs" or vlogs as chris chrockre and jimmy nuetron would like to call it. So I made one that is about 5 minutes long and I am trying to upload it to youtube as we speak, and it says it is going to take 7 hours. Like wow, I really didn't know it took seven fucking hours to upload a video of myself it's like how much weight have I gained since christmas anyway?

So I am scrolling through faceobok, duh, and people are updating their statuses right now, mind you it is 2:13 am, about HOW EXCITED THEY ARE FOR GLEEE TONIGHT OMGZ.

Like, yeah, its okay to like glee, but, SHUT THE FUCK UP. I swear, people pride themselves on liking things that are "generally" for younger viewers. Like I swear, in highschool all the tricks that have since gotten pregnant, and or fat, used to have satuses about OMGGGG ZACCEFRRRRRON<3

And they thought it was cute. I just want everyone to shut up once in a while and let me holler at some dilliecam. duh. I have horrible horrible issues with people who join facebook groups. Like if everyone didn't already know that you like to flip your pillow over to the cool side at night so you can fall asleep quicker, we do now. and I wanted to thank you for joining that group, so I could know, so I can now, sleep, at, night.

If you send me a facebook chat message... and I don't reply, chances are I am whacking off, or I just don't want to talk to you. Yes, that is for you Eileen. Stop sending me 3,4,5, 12 messages saying "Laura???", "Hello???"

I am going to cyber bully you into next Thursday. It is funny how Facebook is the IMDB of the less famous. And I just want to address all of you "semi-popular" girls out there... come on, don't shake your head. We all know who we are on the totem pole...

so to you wanna be popular girls who take pictures with the actual popular girls at parties and dances and run home and upload them real quick and take the popular girl... it is like you just met Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, and Jason Derulo all at once! Chill, wait a few days... maybe even make THEM tag themselves?? ;) it shows "you don't really care you are TC to tag" and hopefully you will get an invite the next time the cheerleaders all go cabrewing.

I think that is all for me today, oh wait no, let me go join this facebook group called I JUST RANTED FOREVER ONLINE NOW I AM GOING TO RE READ MY RANT AND THEN GO TO SLEEP BUT BEFORE I DO I AM GOING TO FLIP MY PILLOW OVER TO THE COOL SIDE BECAUSE I HATE WHEN ONE OF THE STRINGS ON MY HOODIE IS LONGER THAN THE OTHER.