Do you ever look around yourself and wonder how you came to be where you are? You probably do. Who doesn't fucking do that? I dont know why I thought I was special. What I am trying to say is I know I spent my whole young life wondering what was going to happen to me as a grew up and what directions life would take with me and my surrounding family and friends. It is just so weird that no one is close anymore.

For instance, I remember playing with my brother, he was my best friend. Going to the pool together and hanging out with the girls on the swim team. Where are they now? I haven't spoken to any of them in years. We all go to seperate colleges. Mostly in different states. And my brother? He is engaged. He spends all of his time with some girl he met at his first job maybe 4 or 5 years ago at the grocery store by my house. We all worked there together.

Where is Lauren, my best friend in the entire world. She is currently in Florida with her long term Boyfriend, Chaz. I just... I remember when she started talking to them... I remember Andy's first date with his fiance Nicole. Who knew it would turn into this? Who knew years later hed be getting married to her and Lauren would move half was across the country to drop out of school and work as a Bank Teller with Chaz. I am not saying its bad but... who knew.

Who knew I would be a theatre major living in kentucky all inked up with a long term girlfriend spending most of my time in the gay night life scene. Staying up all night and sleeping all day. Working at a local bar and dropping all of my classes but one. Who knew I would be so involved with drag and trannies and things I never even heard of until a few years ago. Who knew I would room with Nick Hellmann and Shannon Sharp. Who knew I would ever smoke pot? Who knew I would turn out to be someone I probably wouldnt have spoken to in high school.

Where is Sammi? My old old best friend from middle school. The first girl I ever kissed. SHe is living in price hill with her boyfriend now. Its so weird how we have all grown up and taken on these different journies of life. It seems like it went by in the blink of an eye. We really do need to cherish the time we have here. It truly goes by so quickly. I used to wonder what my life would be like when I went to bars with my girlfriends sitting around sipping fruity drinks. Well guess what Laura, your life is here. And you aren't at some bar drinking cocktails with your friends. Instead, I am at some hole in the wall gay bar drinking a bud light wearing jeans and a hoodie. Not what I pictured. But I love it. I like it. I like my life alot. I really love my girlfriend when we aren't fighting. I feel like most of the fights are my fault but I really think you know, it probably isnt worth it what we fight about. I should probably just calm down most of the time. Relationships will never be perfect, but for some reason I continue to fight for this one and never let go. I want to. I love you.

I want to listen to Mine by Taylor Swift right now. If that is the correct title.

I really wish I could sleep. Lately I have become really obsessed with smoking marijuana. It just makes me really happy and I have a good time. Not that I dont have an amazing time without it, but for some reason its just like, interests me lately.

all eyes on me when I walk in no question that this girls a ten.

dragstar.

dragsuperstar.

ratmama.

I wish I could sleep.

Have any of you ever read the book, "Frindle?"

God,LOOK IT UP!

Fantastic story line if I do say so myself.

beach volleyball.

SO I was just sitting here talking to someone in theatre and I started thinking about you and How much I miss your skin and touch and how amazing it felt to me when you came to my first performance at NKU and the first time you saw me perform in general. I miss how happy we used to be about life, us, and each other. And ourselves. My hair net got caught in your septum ring when you hugged me and oh my God your face was so soft. I pick you. I pick you over everything and everyone. I want you. I know we can get our happiness back. I don't want anyone else. At all. Now or never. and I'm going to stay true to you. Like I have been.

No matter how good a day can be
or how good things get between us
or how happy you make me feel

does not take away from the fact about how much I miss "us"
the real us
the intimate us. you and I.

I yearn for it.
someday.

God, you don't miss what you have until its gone. I hope I get you back

Don't worry. This isn't another emotional depressing love poem. I feel like fucking Alice Piazecki from The L Word. And no one wants to be fucking Alice. We all want to be Bette, or Carmyn, or Shane. Or Helena. Hey Girl. Anyway, for the first time, I am writing again with a somewhat level or clear head, and in a pretty upbeat mood. I decided to write because, well, I already checked my facebook 20 times in the past 5 minutes, and guess what, Laura? No one new is writing on your wall.

Updates:
School- Hate. I dont know why but I cannot get into it. I love writing, and I love performing. I love music and I love art. I love pretty things and pictures. I want to go to school for that. So theatre is supposed to be the closest thing to that, right? I dont know. I just am not enjoying my freshmore year of college right now. Maybe its because I came here to perform but wasnt cast in any thing. And thats okay. It was my first semester. And that classes arent interesting... at all. And its so hard to worry about school when...

Work- Unemployed. I quit my job, some will disagree with me ;), but I pretty much quit a few weeks ago and walked out the door and got in my car and drove to florida. It was one of the most liberating things I could have done. When I was down there, I spent most of the money I had. Part of it on a tattoo that is on my upper right arm that reads "Live." I wanted a huge reminder of the trip and of what the trip was all about. Just living your life. We get wayy too caught up in our routine lives and it feels amazing to break the schedule. When I returned, my life was in complete shambles. So i think the trip taught me a few things... a long with the first message of Living Your Life, it also taught me that I cant always run away from my problems. SOmetimes you ahve to learn to deal with them. I dont regret it, because I will get myself together. I know I am strong. But it has been very hard.

Relationship- well, you can read my previous posts. But I think things are going to be okay. I'm in love and thats really all that matters.

My hair is red and I love it with every ounce of me.

I know I am different and weird and like dont ever really fit into anything. But its really fun to be outside of the box. SO if you feel like you are stuck in side, try to jump out and see what it feels like. I definitely feel like I am "Living."

:)

it felt amazing to hug you today.

4:23 am. day 477

here I am again, at this place I call home
a bed I used to lay in for hours, and talk to you on the phone
outside the window a see a street
we used to make out in your little orange car underneath that tree

I miss the days when you'd pick me up, and take me home
your hand I'd hold the entire ride, to and from
I miss your soft voice and the touch of your skin
I miss the smell of your hair
I miss your small little face
It's like you're gone, without a trace
a small little part of you I'll hold in my heart
you really have left your foot prints in my soul

I know this isn't over. I know this isn't over.

I know we aren't over. I know there are good times to be had and good years to come, a rough patch will face, but its only temporary. hit me, push me, punch me in the head. I want the abuse
whatever you choose. I feel like its the only thing to make it even. Although I am hurting, hurting right now I can't possibly know what it feels like to be you. I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

I'm fighting for you. And even when I think I can't do it anymore, and this is way too hard. I remember your face and your voice and us and the memories. I need it. I need it back. I need you.