2011

January 29th 2012.

Excuse me what? Could I wake up from this dream sometime in the next minute and return to December 2009 where I know real life is...

is it just me or does anyone else feel like we are living in the future?

I just turned 21 and its fucking 2012. People are getting married and having kids... and everytime I find out someone else from high school is pregnant I am like, "Ohhh MYYY GAWWWDDDDD WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?!" and then Lauren is like, "Laura she's like 21 and engaged. She's gonna have the kid." Like its just... normal to be having babies. I feel like we are sooooo fucking young still why is everyone preg and married??? #divorce #abort #kidding #lol

Anyway, I'm sure its been a while since I last posted in this sappy non existant blog anymore, but its like 4 am and I just moved home and I haven't done any drugs today so I can't sleep. I started smoking weed almost a year ago I think... January of 2011. Its really funny story actually... I was trying to clean my ratnasty apartment at Hampton Farms while my roommates were out. I am sure we were all fighting and sick of each other by that point. Anyway, I was getting ready to clean and noticed that I had no trash bags but I also had no money. So I text my friend Caitlin telling her my dilemma and out of the kindess of her heart she invited me into her home and was going to let me use some nice durable black trash bags, I think 3 to be exact. Well anyway we sat down and got to talking and mind you, I had just had a really bad break up, was struggling having my own first apartment, learning how to pay bills and such, and was really stressed out.

"Do you have any weed?" I asked her.
I couldn't believe the words that had just came out of my mouth. Caitlin, just as stunned as I was, with a smirk on her face, and in her low jazzy voice said, "Absolutely."

I was super nervous, my mom taught me that if I got too close to the microwave as a kid that I would get cancer. So she warned me about the deadly substance known as "marrriiijooooannaaaaa."

"You put your finger on this hole right here and suck for a minute until you get a hit, and then you can let go of the shotgun and inhale," Caitlin told me.

WHAaaatttttttt???

So I watched her do it first. Then it was my turn.

Inhale number 1...

"I don't think I got anything.."


Inhale number 2...

I definetely got something... having a small couhging fit, I could at least tell I was doing it right. After a few more of the repeated steps, all of a sudden things looked a little different. Along with the feeling in my body and head, my vision was a bit different. I was a little happier, and everything was a little funnier. And then I got hungry. Then I took Caitlin out and we *bought chipotle. And that was the first time I got high.

It was such a god damn fucking escape from the colourless world around me, not just the weed but the fun time I had smoking with Caitlin. Being nutty and crazy and laughing at everything we thought was funny. As loud as we wanted. Each day after that I was interested in smoking again... more and more...

and now its 2012 and the last year of my life feels like a crazy... crazy blur of just glitter, weed, alcohol, paint, sex, love, hate, tears, mess, lies, and orgasms. I did a LOT of crazy shit. Fucked up shit. ooops. my bad. thats why I have a tattoo that means sinner in greek. I would never change 2011 for anything.

And I can't wait to see what 2012 has in store....

hopefully some crack.

jk I think ima start working out a bunch oh and im like kind of a vegan. like... 90% of the time... its like my sexuality. Im such a wishy washy bisexual vegan fuck with fried hair.


ughhhhh. night

Waking up on my 21st birthday I was super excited to look down and pick up my cell to see the 50+ messages from all of my friends and or aquatences, you know like back in high school. Well to my surprise when I looked down at my phone there was only 1 text. And it was from this random girl who lives in dayton that I have hung out with once. Actually, she was with me the night I started drawing on the walls and painting a mural on my room back at my old apartment. Gee, I thought, times have changed.

Then the night of my 21st birthday party I was so excited for all of my friends to be there. New, and old, just to gather and meet everyone. And then my best friend since 6th grade who is only in town for another week didn't even show up.

Times are changing, Gale. We aren't all best friends anymore. And no one really cares. Everyone has there own lives that they care way more about and my friends are slowly fading into those people who only write on my Facebook wall on my birthday, opposed to a phone call or even a text.

We are all drifting. I'm 21. It's now or never. Its time to shit or get off the pot. This is the age where everyone stops caring about how much potential you have, someone once told me. And its true I mean, why should anyone care about what you COULD do or SHOULD do or WILL do. The only things that matter are the things you actually set your mind out to do.

I feel a new wavelength coming on. I feel change. and like Rafiki says... it is time.

ughhhhh I don't know I have just been thinking about a lot lately. As per usual and I have a topic I want to write about.

Love and monogamy.

Okay so depending upon what you believe... this article may not apply to you, I for one however do not believe that we were all just plopped down here one day, I strongly believe in the hard evidence and scientific facts of evolution. With that being said... I believe we evolved from the apes, hence we are animals.

I had a huge fight with this autistic kid on my bus every day after school. He would have all of his little animal toys out on his seat and be playing with them and me and this really mean bully kid named Jake would tell him, "You know Jonah... you're an animal too."

"I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! ANIMALS ARE GIRAFFES AND FROGS AND LIZARDS AND I AM NOT ONE!!!!"


"Jonah... you're an animal...."



and so on and so forth until we got tired of it.

However, humans are mammals, and mammals are animals. And I ain't never seen a dog get married... so its like, what the fuck are we doing thinking we are all high and mighty? Do elephants at the zoo make each other valentines day cards? No, they don't waste their money on construction paper and glue and rhinestones because their brains arent developed enough to let them think and process and watch movies and films and listen to songs about "love." So they are never given the oppourtunity to believe in the lie that love is.



“We fall in love when our imagination projects nonexistent perfection upon another person. One day, the fantasy evaporates and with it, love dies.”
- Spanish philosopher Jose Ortega y Gasset


I mean... I think the Spaniard has a point.


You hear it all the time... phrases like, "girl/boy of my dreams."
"he's/she's everything I ever wanted."


We create the perfect person in our head and its just not out there. And dont even get me started on monogamy...


sex is soooo animalistic. and I feel if you can let yourself become animalistic during sex, and let that pure instinct inside of you just rip off the clothes of that person laying in front of you, or standing over you, or sitting at a diner table, or in the movie theatre.... wherever your sex may be, have fun. play a little. fuck like a wildabeast or a lion or a cheetah or even a cra cra zebra.

HElllllloooo everyone! Whats up?! I have actually been doing a whole fucking lot with my life in this vacation from work and school. I started a really awesome project the other day. That's what I keep doing and starting these "projects" of mine. I don't really know what I want to do with my life but I know what I truly love doing is creating. Creating art, in a lot of different forms. Whether its photography, clothing, hair, make up, paint, or paper and a pen I love doing it. I have decided I want to return to UC in the fall and I am not sure what I want to major in. I have been looking into english, journalism, even some DAAP programs and CCM. But this time its not theatre I'm all enthused about. I've been thinking about electronic media. I just want to create and make projects of my own and instead of listening to someone who doesn't know what they are talking about who was in 1 broadway musical tell me how to act, I'm going to learn how to work the camera so I can make my own television show, because bitch I'm already hilarious. There is some really cool quote that I am not looking up right now that goes a little something like this... if you are looking for a really funny movie out there thats real specific that you just cant find, make your own movie. If you aren't getting cast in shows, make your own television show. If there is a book out there you wanna read that isn't written yet, write it. Create something unique and new in this world that you can share that isn't there yet. Don't just copy your predaccesors, give and contibute to the beautiful world of art that surrounds us everyday that we dont even see.

So for my project, I decided to paint the walls of my room. I did this over night one night and stayed up until about 5 am. I like to invite friends to come over and paint with me, and leave a little mark of theirs on the wall in my room. It's so cool so see all different types of drawings and paintings and words and objects. I absolutely love it.

sometimes I look at our old pictures and wonder if you even remember me
I wonder if your family refers to me as the time you dated that crazy blonde freak... or if my name isn't mentioned at all. How could someone that meant the world to you at one moment in time mean completely nothing at a seperate moment in time. Our love wasn't real, from the moment it began. We were both looking for a fairy tale ending but what we got was real life instead. I didn't meet your families standards so you dumped me on the side of the road like yesterdays trash, and I can't thank you enough for letting me go. For you are definitely not the one I am supposed to live my life with, you made me insecure and you made me feel horrible about myself. You fucked with my young head and you knew what you were doing. Don't you think 19 is a little young? You were older and had been through love before and I hadn't. You swore the old you was gone and you were a new and changed woman for me. You wanted us to have a life together. You cheat on every one you make a relationship with. You were so beautiful to me and you picked me up and made me feel like no one else in the room mattered. You might say that you were entering the real world and I was too young but I need this time I needed this time to experiment and experience and just live my fucking life. You got to go through all of the things I am going through now. We used to say we'd end up together. I wonder what you think about that now. I wonder if you ever think about me or if you miss me at all. I wonder why I let your rejection sit in the back of my mind like an old book ina library that someone only picks up once a month just to remind themselves why they would never want to read it. How are you picking my brain a year later and urging me to write about you. MEmories are flooding back through my head as I sit here and look at pictures. You always said everything happens for a reason, but sitting here over a year later from our break up I can't find a reason for you, because I'm still falling for the same shit and I'm still getting hurt. Abby, oh abby, what did you do to me?