Betty Boop

So today after I got out of the shower I decided to braid my hair for old times sake, and remembered how girl used to braid their hair the night before school and take the braids out in the morning and wear their hair "kinky." What fucked up little middle schooler girl thought that ever looked good?

Then I thought I should probably go on to facebook and make a group called, "Sleeping With Your Hair In Braids The Night Before School So Your Hair Is Curly The Next Day" and see how many people waste nano seconds of their life clicking "Like."

That's when I remembered I had a blog, and I can bitch about all of these nameless people on here.

So another thing that really grinds my gears these days is cell phones. There are all of these commercials out there, mainly for verizon, that are like, "Do you want to Mapquest how to get to your local KFC and sext your history teacher at the same time??? TRY THE DROID!!!!!" Like seriously? Cell phones do wayyyyy too much these days we don't need all of those fucking applications. Pretty soon the next time I have to take a shit I am going to open up the menu on my phone and go to the toilet application and hit transform and Voilà! There is a nice off white porcelain potty for me to do my business in. Calling, texting, facebooking, tweeting, myspacing, chatting, online banking, getting the news, how do we even have time to sit down and watch a nice classic movie like The Burbs or even Surfin Ninjas. We don't. Our lives are in these piece of shit plastic shitboxes that cause us so much pain, heart ache, annoyance, and honestly I am just going to admit it, health issues. But now a days something as simple as baking brownies or watching a Days of Our Lives episode is grounds for getting cancer. I never even take the time to look around me and notice I am alive in a beautiful world because I stare at my cell phone screen. And back to heart ache, how many times have we all heard, "He won't call me back, he won't text me back, he won't answer my calls, he got mad because I snuck into his house and cut off a piece of his hair and kept it in a baggie." Like get the fuck up off yo ass and go do somethin bout that double chin of yours n maybe baby daddy will call you back.

Also what the fuck is up with this Greyson Chance kid??? First Justin Beiber and now him? I feel like The Fame Factory is looking for a different venu these days, it seems as though all you need is 3 things 1) Be or look like you are twelve and also look like a raging lesbian at the same time, 2)Sing a cover or a popular song and post it on youtube, and C) Not hit puberty.

What happened to Bleach blonde hair, big boobs, a nice tan, and a bright smile. How the fuck can they tell me one thing and then change the criteria umpteen years later. I am calling my lawyer, I haven't gotten a nice, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN TROUBLE FOR ___ MONTHS, CONRAGULATIONS! card from him in a while.

PRETZEL MONKEY.

My Views On Parents

So our parents buy us cell phones and on day one they tell us to use them for emergencies only. Mom, Dad, you just gave me a device where I can contact whoever I want WHENEVER I want and I will be damned if you are telling me to use it only if I am stranded at the house and have a craving for a dominoes extra cheesy two topping pizza or whatever the hell other type of emergency a 12 year old can have, right? Giving a teenager a cell phone and telling them not to use it to text and call friends is like giving a serial killer a knife and mapquest directions to Jonbenet ramsey's house. Neither of them are going to listen. And both of them are probably going to end up hurting their hands.

Anyways, so then we FINALLY get invited to that popular girl's sleep over sophmore year, and just as the clock strikes midnight and we have finished putting on our make up and high heels and are hopping out of sammi scholl's window to run and get the jack daniels, you call and ask where I am, and if you can talk to sammi's mom. FUCK NO YOU CANT TALK TO SAMMI'S MOM I AM TRYINA GET DRUNK RIGHT NOW AND YOU ARE EMBARASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS. Just like giving us a diary, a cell phone was a just an electronic way to invade our privacy.

"Oh here sweetie, here is this pretty purple plastic Lisa Frank diary with a plastic lock terry schiavo could have broken by mubling "Buggaboo" out her mouth why dont you write all your secrets in here so I can just open it up when you turn 16 and freak out about how you kissed boys." So I take it, I fill it up with all of my middle school secrets and walked my 11 year old ass to the nearest home depot, slammed a 20 down on the counter and asked for a MasterLock with a key slot for 10 bucks and I won't be paying a dollar more. okay, that didnt really happened but it sounded funny. In reality I took a metal lock of a seperate diary and put it on there and kept it in the most secretive place no one would ever, ever dare look. don don don... under my matress! ha yeah right, next to the back of my closet that was about the dumbest place to put ANYTHING from notes to my friends to alcohol bottles years later, why did't I ever learn that if I wanted to keep something secret from my mom I needed to purchase one of those storage plots in the middle of nowhere where like families keep extra lawn mowers and rakes or whatever, I needed extra space for my diaries and pokemon cards. and my magic wands.

back to the topic of cell phones, I hate when our parents call and call and call and we don't answer because maybe we are on the last level of mariok kart and maybe some of us are smoking a joint behind show case cinemas, either way, WE AREN'T READY TO TALK TO YOU AT THE MOMENT, so you call and call anda call and when we finnally, finally answer you SAY OHHHMYYYGAWWWDDDDDD STEVEENNN YOU COULD HAVE BEEEN DEAD IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE AND YOUR FATHER NEVER WOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretty sure channel 12 would have let the community know if the body of a missing teen was found dead in a ditch. They are never "dead in ditches" either. Its always backs of cars, dumpsters, you know serial killers these days just keep surprising us. I feel like the next time I open up a box of frosted flakes some missing kids finger from the 80's is going to fall out. This isnt funny....

so you bitch us out when we dont answer your calls and then the one time, THE ONE TIME we actually need to talk to YOU because we are running low on code red mountain dew or we want you to tevo the VMA's because lady gaga is performing, you know ACTUAL EMERGENCIES, your bitch ass doesnt answer!!!!!!

Dont tell me to answer my phone if you aren't going to answer yours.

two wrongs dont make a right and I apologize to all families affect by this blog, The Ramsey's, Schaivo's and any families of missing kid's from the 1980's. my B.