Reality Television absolutely killed tv. They think of the... and I am just going to say it... the most RETARDED shit these days. Like... Idol? Should have been over a LONG time ago. After Paula abdul dipped out it was all down hill from there. And to be honest without simon that show is nothing. I mean, I dont even know who any of the fuckin idols are expect Kellie fuckin Pickler. God she was a nice piece of blonde ass. Id tear that shit UP.
Do you ever want to take a loaded hand gun and shoot your radio in your car in the face? Like if I have to hear another fukcing Bruno Mars, KT Perry, or Adele song I am going to shit a brick and take said brick and slap Kiss 107 Fm in the mother humping jaw with it. I HATE HEARING ALL OF THOSE RE FUCKING TARDED SONGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
Thank GOD for Born This Way... even though...
born this way...
like. marry the night.government hooker.judas. AMERICANO. HAIR. EDGE OF GLOR. you and I. BLOODY MARRY. Black Jesus...
other than that... honestly. I dont know what happened. I will give them a chance soon but they all sound the same OH MY GOD BAD KIDZZZ!!!! Love that. cant forget about that. I love you gaga but some of these are definitely throw aways... in my opinion. im going to stop myself. Im in love with you. you are great. but Im not going to follow you until I love you on this album. I mean
who are we kiddin
I am.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
You know what... I hate going to restaraunts on the west side of Cincinnati because chances are when I enter the building I have harassed at least one of the waitresses or waiters online via Facebook, MySpace, Aim or Thedirty.com Sure enough tonight as I walked in to the LaRosa's on Glenway I saw about three fat hogs I graduated with from highschool. Excuse me, did I say hogs? I meant, hogs. Thats right. I don't know what it is about graduated from high school that says it's now okay to become a daily subscriber to Krispee Kreem but some of the girls sign right up the day school ends. And if there bellies aren't full of doughnuts, pizza, chipotle, and college boy sperm, its filled with a baby. Pregnant or fat. Those seem like some of the only options after high school to a young woman. I however have decided to take another route. Anyway, back to family dinner with the looneytunes. So... I used to avoid certain restaraunts on the westside, knowing that certain people I went to high school with worked at them, but these days anymore I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I like going actually, and I always like looking great and holding my head high. Like... I mean I know why people don't like me. It's because I make fun of them and act like a lunatic. But... here it is, I actually am crazy. There I said it. I'm coming out of the padded closet. But all famous people are crazy, and that 1 of my three aspirations in life.
1. FAME
2. SKINNY
3. BLONDE
Those are relaly the only three things I want in my life. oh. there are 4.
4. LOTS AND LOTS OF ORGASMS.
I like sex. But... I'm really getting side tracked from the story. So I stomped in to Larosas in a yellow t shirt and skirt that looked like a picnic table cover, ankle boots, a black blazer, eyeliner running down my face painted on the day before, messy blonde hair, and I feel like there might have been lipstick on my neck. Anyway, the key to be hated is to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS show off your confidence, and tits. If you have them... DO NOT BY ANY MEANS TRY TO SHOW OFF YOUR CLEAVAGE IF YOU ARE FLAT CHESTED LADIES!!!
Thats like having a small penis. Nothing good can cum from it. ahhh! ;)
So the ugly hostess sat us and up pops our waiter. "Fuck." I thought immediately. I totally posted his girlfriend on thedirty.com like last summer. Not only that but I once make a facebook status about his girlfriends friend that got trampled at our senior prom. It read:
"HAHAHAHAHAHA I just remember when Lindsay Jobst got trampled at prom."
Like... first of all... Lindsay Jobst had an orange face and a white neck. Like... two criteria which allows anyone to hate her. And for the most part... everyone did hate her and thought it was funny that she got trampled during sandstorm. Like I even remember one guy saying to me
"yeah dude we were all like fuck who are we stompin on man and then we found out it was that slut Lindsay Jobst with a orange face and a white neck so I stomped on her chest."
Like... LIT ER A LEE no one liked her. But as soon as I decide to make my status about her... EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER has to start defending her. Thats what people do. They talk shit about everyone until I finally say something out loud (or in writing sitting behind my computer where I can still say what I want but no one can punch me in the face) and then they act all fucking fake and start defending all of the ugly fuckers with warts on their faces that I talk about. It astounds me. I hate people. I just want to be a fuckign stand up comedian and tell these stories. BEcause I know that at least the general audience will at least laugh at me and then go home and talk shit behind my back like a damn good friend. I am a bad friend. I post shit ONLINE.
Back to the pizzeria...
So, my mom usually doesn't make me go to restaraunts where people would want to shoot me but I said I didn't care tonight. Well... then I got there and I saw all of the people there who hated me and what their reasons were and I was like fuck... someone is totally going to piss in my water tonight. Or like... my spaghetti is about to get FUCKED WITH. So I just want the staff of LaRosa's on Glenway to know that if you did fuck with my food tonight. Fuck you. I don't care. Props to you. At least you aren't still bitching about how I posted you on thedirty and not doing anything about it. And... if you didn't do anything... well this is just another example about the fact that I think people care about me WAYYYY more than they do because well, I'm famous. ;)
So halfway through the dinner my 21 year old brother who still lives at home who is engaged who has slept with his fiance less times than I have slept with my recent fuck buddy, starts talking about all of the exxxxpennnsiiiveeee food he eats and how him and his classy expensive girl friend have tried crab, and veil, and sushi, and blah blah blah boo boo boo no one is listening to you talk asshole. He and his fiance think that they are so much better than me because they try expensive food and they go to fancy restaraunts and because they don't get open containers and they dont drop out of college and they dont bleach their hair or get tattoos or have piercings or whatever the fuck it is that day that makes them better than I. But what gets me is that... YEAH, IM SURE YA DO HAVE LOOOADSSSS OF $$$$MONEY$$$$ to spend on fucking crab and veil because you mother fuckers dont have any goddamn bills to pay because you live at home and you are just playing fucking house.
ID LIKE TA SEE YA MOVE OUT! HOW MUCH VEIL YOU BE EATIN THEN ASSHOLES??? HUH????
I remember when my brother asked me if I had tried any form of Japanese food or if I had ever had veil and I said, NO DICKFACE I eat .99 cent boxes of spaghetti from kroger and thats how I get buy.
fucking veil.
1. FAME
2. SKINNY
3. BLONDE
Those are relaly the only three things I want in my life. oh. there are 4.
4. LOTS AND LOTS OF ORGASMS.
I like sex. But... I'm really getting side tracked from the story. So I stomped in to Larosas in a yellow t shirt and skirt that looked like a picnic table cover, ankle boots, a black blazer, eyeliner running down my face painted on the day before, messy blonde hair, and I feel like there might have been lipstick on my neck. Anyway, the key to be hated is to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS show off your confidence, and tits. If you have them... DO NOT BY ANY MEANS TRY TO SHOW OFF YOUR CLEAVAGE IF YOU ARE FLAT CHESTED LADIES!!!
Thats like having a small penis. Nothing good can cum from it. ahhh! ;)
So the ugly hostess sat us and up pops our waiter. "Fuck." I thought immediately. I totally posted his girlfriend on thedirty.com like last summer. Not only that but I once make a facebook status about his girlfriends friend that got trampled at our senior prom. It read:
"HAHAHAHAHAHA I just remember when Lindsay Jobst got trampled at prom."
Like... first of all... Lindsay Jobst had an orange face and a white neck. Like... two criteria which allows anyone to hate her. And for the most part... everyone did hate her and thought it was funny that she got trampled during sandstorm. Like I even remember one guy saying to me
"yeah dude we were all like fuck who are we stompin on man and then we found out it was that slut Lindsay Jobst with a orange face and a white neck so I stomped on her chest."
Like... LIT ER A LEE no one liked her. But as soon as I decide to make my status about her... EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER has to start defending her. Thats what people do. They talk shit about everyone until I finally say something out loud (or in writing sitting behind my computer where I can still say what I want but no one can punch me in the face) and then they act all fucking fake and start defending all of the ugly fuckers with warts on their faces that I talk about. It astounds me. I hate people. I just want to be a fuckign stand up comedian and tell these stories. BEcause I know that at least the general audience will at least laugh at me and then go home and talk shit behind my back like a damn good friend. I am a bad friend. I post shit ONLINE.
Back to the pizzeria...
So, my mom usually doesn't make me go to restaraunts where people would want to shoot me but I said I didn't care tonight. Well... then I got there and I saw all of the people there who hated me and what their reasons were and I was like fuck... someone is totally going to piss in my water tonight. Or like... my spaghetti is about to get FUCKED WITH. So I just want the staff of LaRosa's on Glenway to know that if you did fuck with my food tonight. Fuck you. I don't care. Props to you. At least you aren't still bitching about how I posted you on thedirty and not doing anything about it. And... if you didn't do anything... well this is just another example about the fact that I think people care about me WAYYYY more than they do because well, I'm famous. ;)
So halfway through the dinner my 21 year old brother who still lives at home who is engaged who has slept with his fiance less times than I have slept with my recent fuck buddy, starts talking about all of the exxxxpennnsiiiveeee food he eats and how him and his classy expensive girl friend have tried crab, and veil, and sushi, and blah blah blah boo boo boo no one is listening to you talk asshole. He and his fiance think that they are so much better than me because they try expensive food and they go to fancy restaraunts and because they don't get open containers and they dont drop out of college and they dont bleach their hair or get tattoos or have piercings or whatever the fuck it is that day that makes them better than I. But what gets me is that... YEAH, IM SURE YA DO HAVE LOOOADSSSS OF $$$$MONEY$$$$ to spend on fucking crab and veil because you mother fuckers dont have any goddamn bills to pay because you live at home and you are just playing fucking house.
ID LIKE TA SEE YA MOVE OUT! HOW MUCH VEIL YOU BE EATIN THEN ASSHOLES??? HUH????
I remember when my brother asked me if I had tried any form of Japanese food or if I had ever had veil and I said, NO DICKFACE I eat .99 cent boxes of spaghetti from kroger and thats how I get buy.
fucking veil.
You know what... I may be two years out of high school with nothing to show for it. I may have dropped out of school and I may have gotten fired from a few jobs. I may be partying too much and not taking life seriously. I may waste most of my money on cigarettes, weed, and hair bleach.
BUT AT LEAST I DIDN'T GET FAT.
Infact, I've lost about 20 lbs since high school and I've never looked better than I do today. I dress how I want, and I act how I want. I may be a little too loud and a little too shiny and a little too blonde for the average housewife. But I'm not the average housewife. I'm the housewife who has an affair with another housewife. I'm the housewife who fucks my 17 year old high school gardener. I'm that housewife who runs away to vegas and does coke. I'm a fantasy. Housewife. The only fucking suburbia I belong in is Wisteria Lane, killin bitchez and fuckin highschool boys since 2009.
So be my guest... stay in the midwest. Get pregnant. Have a baby. Get married. Become a nurse. I never want my life to be anything less than a 20 out of 10. Above and beyond. High. I want my life to look like a movie for the viewer at all times. No matter what.
I really am the star of my own movie. And I'm going to be famous. Just wait and see. 5.16.11
BUT AT LEAST I DIDN'T GET FAT.
Infact, I've lost about 20 lbs since high school and I've never looked better than I do today. I dress how I want, and I act how I want. I may be a little too loud and a little too shiny and a little too blonde for the average housewife. But I'm not the average housewife. I'm the housewife who has an affair with another housewife. I'm the housewife who fucks my 17 year old high school gardener. I'm that housewife who runs away to vegas and does coke. I'm a fantasy. Housewife. The only fucking suburbia I belong in is Wisteria Lane, killin bitchez and fuckin highschool boys since 2009.
So be my guest... stay in the midwest. Get pregnant. Have a baby. Get married. Become a nurse. I never want my life to be anything less than a 20 out of 10. Above and beyond. High. I want my life to look like a movie for the viewer at all times. No matter what.
I really am the star of my own movie. And I'm going to be famous. Just wait and see. 5.16.11
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Do you all remember the hours of pain and agony we used to spend each night screaming with our mothers asking if friends could stay the night? I do. Like... the worst was when you didn't even get your whole sentence out: "Hey mom, since we're off school tomorrow can-"
"NO!"
LIKE CUNT YOU DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS BOUT TO ASK.
Or you do get your whole sentence out and they are like no not tonight but like you just spent the entire afternoon planning a sleep over with your best friend like no is not the answer. You want your friend to come over and you want those hours of talking about boys and eating pizza and laughing and peeing your pants. You cannot just let your mother destroy that with one stupid single fucking no.
That is where I learned to throw TEMPER TANTRUMS. Like screaming and crying and begging and begging and they just keep on saying no, so then you threaten to kill yourself if they wont let you go to a friends or have a friend come over. You go to your room. you cry. you act like the world is over. I swear each time within 20 minutes to an hour my mom was walking right in my room with her keys ready to take me to sammi scholls so I could drink whiskey and kiss girls.
"NO!"
LIKE CUNT YOU DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS BOUT TO ASK.
Or you do get your whole sentence out and they are like no not tonight but like you just spent the entire afternoon planning a sleep over with your best friend like no is not the answer. You want your friend to come over and you want those hours of talking about boys and eating pizza and laughing and peeing your pants. You cannot just let your mother destroy that with one stupid single fucking no.
That is where I learned to throw TEMPER TANTRUMS. Like screaming and crying and begging and begging and they just keep on saying no, so then you threaten to kill yourself if they wont let you go to a friends or have a friend come over. You go to your room. you cry. you act like the world is over. I swear each time within 20 minutes to an hour my mom was walking right in my room with her keys ready to take me to sammi scholls so I could drink whiskey and kiss girls.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The thing I love about Lady Gaga is that when I am looking to hear a song from her, I don't think of what song specifically but what exact performance of hers I want to hear. Do I want to hear her at the Grammys? Do I want to hear her at the VMA's? An old recording of her at Tisch or do I want to here track 7 off of The Fame Monster? Can you Gaga superfans guess what that track is? Look for answers at the end of this blog. She has so many different sounds of each different song its so nuts and each make me love her for another reason. Not only the songs and how she sings them, but the music video artistry, live performance art, and how she never ever wears jeans and a t shirt. She feels like her life is one big piece of art, and thats so damn beautiful.
I hate people. I really hate people who fuck with you. But do you let yourself be fucked with? Do you have any control over what happens or do they have all the control? Could they have stopped it, stopped you... should you have stopped yourself?
Like everytime it happens you think its the last time and you think you are going to be smarter the next time but you aren't.
I hate people. I really hate people who fuck with you. But do you let yourself be fucked with? Do you have any control over what happens or do they have all the control? Could they have stopped it, stopped you... should you have stopped yourself?
Like everytime it happens you think its the last time and you think you are going to be smarter the next time but you aren't.
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