I dont know if things will ever be the same between us
and I know it is all my fault.
I dont think I could live with you in my life as a platonic friend. at least not forever
but I can do it for a while
I really hope you dont move on, on day 500
I hope our story is different.
I guess all I can really do is hope for us
I dont know if you like the roses, or like talking to me, or if you even read any of this.
I can put what I did out of my mind for a while... but when I see you, or when I am with you, and I think about it... and I really start to think about it. My entire body beings to hurt from the core and it feels dirty and disgusting and like its about to break
I loved seeing you so happy tonight. You are seriously the most fucking beautiful woman and person I have ever seen much less been with. I love watching you be happy and get tipsy. Im sorry for getting upset with you, but I am scared to death that you would do something like I did. But I guess we arent all shitty people. I fucking hate myself. I really hope you dont read these. Im so fucked up.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
sometimes I wish we could just start over new
like I wish you could walk up to me at a bar all over again
think I'm cute
like my hair
maybe touch it.
maybe we'd do things differently, maybe we wouldn't
I know we didnt start off perfect and it took us so long to get where we were
and I dont know what changed things really but I think it was when all of the rules started coming in
maybe we dont agree on everything
or want the same things
do you think we just dont work?
did I destroy any ounce of hope that there was for us to be perfect again
I miss my girlfriend.
I miss you
I miss us.
I know its only been about a week
but I'm an impatient 3 year old
it feels like its been years
I dont even know if you want anything from me
but you talk to me sometimes
Im shivering to my core right now and I am not the slightest bit cold
like I've told my friends
I guess I'll fight for you the rest of my life if I have to
I know a lot has been ruined. maybe we should just start over as friends
whatever
fuck the label
I just want to see you.
like I wish you could walk up to me at a bar all over again
think I'm cute
like my hair
maybe touch it.
maybe we'd do things differently, maybe we wouldn't
I know we didnt start off perfect and it took us so long to get where we were
and I dont know what changed things really but I think it was when all of the rules started coming in
maybe we dont agree on everything
or want the same things
do you think we just dont work?
did I destroy any ounce of hope that there was for us to be perfect again
I miss my girlfriend.
I miss you
I miss us.
I know its only been about a week
but I'm an impatient 3 year old
it feels like its been years
I dont even know if you want anything from me
but you talk to me sometimes
Im shivering to my core right now and I am not the slightest bit cold
like I've told my friends
I guess I'll fight for you the rest of my life if I have to
I know a lot has been ruined. maybe we should just start over as friends
whatever
fuck the label
I just want to see you.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
my heart hurts as I sit here to think
I can keep my mind busy through out the day
and make myself not think about this
what has really happened
what makes me sick
what makes me feel black inside
what makes me feel dead
I feel empty
sick
I want to vomit everything up and scream and erase what happened and erase the memory of it
I dont ever want to be touched again by another human being or soul that isnt yours.
I pray for your forgiveness and I pray for your presence in my life
what happened to us
what happened to us
I can keep my mind busy through out the day
and make myself not think about this
what has really happened
what makes me sick
what makes me feel black inside
what makes me feel dead
I feel empty
sick
I want to vomit everything up and scream and erase what happened and erase the memory of it
I dont ever want to be touched again by another human being or soul that isnt yours.
I pray for your forgiveness and I pray for your presence in my life
what happened to us
what happened to us
like I am really fucking tired of everyone being so fucking shitty to me and my life going so fucking wrong. the only thing that made me smile today was stepping on the scale to see that I have dropped another 2 pounds. I lost my relationship. I lost my job. I fucked my life up. I cant make it to class. Yeah I fucking ran away to Florida. Yeah I dont have a job anymore because of it or any money. BUT I DONT REGRET A DAMN FUCKING THING. I HATE IT HERE I HATE ALL OF YOU FAKE ASS FUCKS THAT AGREE WITH ME THAT THEY HATE ALL THE OTHER FAKE ASS FUCKS AND THEN THEY JUST GO BE FAKE AS THE NEXT FAKE FUCK THERE IS. no one is fucking real, everything is terrible. everything is centered around fucking money.
And like sorry I dont have my rent money early, but dont worry about it. Ill have it. Ill have it if I have to sell my clothes, and my car, and my body because guess waht fuckers! Id ont have a daddy I can go to that is gonna write me a check and give me money to blow. I wrecked my car today, after everything terrible that has happened to me this week I wrecked my car in the fucking NKU circle and you know what I asked my daddy to come help. help his daughter out in a time of need. He walked into my apartment and I said awesome are you going to just change my tire and he said no, I am going to teach you how to do it. Every driver needs to know how to change a tired.
After getting broken up with, losing my job, losing all of my money, and fucking my life up, I just wish there was one person I could turn to who could help me out. but not even my fucking family can do that for me. my mom screams she has no money to help me, and my daddy has to teach me a life lesson every time something goes wrong.
Maybe I shouldnt have blew all my money on florida, but I dont regret it a bit. Id give anything to be back on the beach alone, with no one around. at least fucking sea gulls dont talk be hind your back.
suck it.
And like sorry I dont have my rent money early, but dont worry about it. Ill have it. Ill have it if I have to sell my clothes, and my car, and my body because guess waht fuckers! Id ont have a daddy I can go to that is gonna write me a check and give me money to blow. I wrecked my car today, after everything terrible that has happened to me this week I wrecked my car in the fucking NKU circle and you know what I asked my daddy to come help. help his daughter out in a time of need. He walked into my apartment and I said awesome are you going to just change my tire and he said no, I am going to teach you how to do it. Every driver needs to know how to change a tired.
After getting broken up with, losing my job, losing all of my money, and fucking my life up, I just wish there was one person I could turn to who could help me out. but not even my fucking family can do that for me. my mom screams she has no money to help me, and my daddy has to teach me a life lesson every time something goes wrong.
Maybe I shouldnt have blew all my money on florida, but I dont regret it a bit. Id give anything to be back on the beach alone, with no one around. at least fucking sea gulls dont talk be hind your back.
suck it.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Liberation part I
Saturday, January 15th 2011. A day for liberation. A day to remember. A day to Live.
I woke up late for my 9 am shift at Bob Evans, just like any other day. Dreading getting there and hating my life thinking about going in. Trudging through the snow in my coffee and syrup stained uniform that forever smells of biscuits and gravy. I texted my friend Jesse to see what station I was in, to see if it was worth going in for. You see, at Bob Evans, like any rastraunt, there are sections with booths and there are sections with tables. Sections with booths are known as: The 30's and 40's. The 50's and 60's. Reserved for Tabitha, Janet, Jenny, and Melissa BENNET. Then there are the table stations: The 10's and 20's, and..,..eti0943ut30760y5 don don don... THE 70'S AND 80'S!!!!! (lightening strikes, thunder rumbles, and you see a scary tree outside your window shaped like a big farm burger)
The 70's and 80's is a placed reserved for the shaftees of The Farm. Aka Me, J Dusing, Chelsea Fee(occasionally) oh KEITH! haha definitely keith and on a rare occasion you will see Tabby over there. Melissa Roth isn't even lucky enough to serve in the 70's and 80's. She is restricted to the counter and doing carryout.
Well, for ONCE in my life I was scheduled in the 30's and 40's... but since I trudged in late because I dont give a fuck and the managers are retarded as cherry bread on rye and didnt know they had scheduled Chelsea Fee... they decided to give her my spot in the boothes and thus I was shafted over to the 70s and 80s. I think I made 13.75. Regardless, this is all just background information for The Great Escape.
After considerably thinking about how much shit was going wrong in my life at the time and how I hate my job and everything to do with northern kentucky and how for once I just wanted to fucking do something for me. MYSELF. I didn't want anything to hold me back. Job, money, school, nothing. I decided I was going to drive down to Florida on a whim and enjoy my life over the long Martin Luther King holiday. God bless that intelligent little african. I asked my friend Jesse if he would go with me that morning and we both started freaking out about it and really wanted to go and of course we are both huge tools so we worked Saturday night as well so we decided that at the end of the night we would pack up our bags, hop in my 2002 Navy Blue Mazda 626, and hit the road. Only problem is we are toolsx2 and both worked all weekend. How are we supposed to run away and enjoy our lives with nothing stopping us if we are scheduled to work? Easy answer. Leave a note on a napkin for your manager saying you are going to Florida, be back in a few. Which is exactly what I did. but it wasnt on a napkin. And it had a lot more detail to it.
I took the note back to my manager on duty and explained to her how my agent got me a last minute audition in with a disney cruise ship in orlando and had to leave promptly. She told me she didnt know if I would have a job when I came back and I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Welllp, this isn't my life." She wished me well on my "audition" and off I went. (***Side note, it wasn't a total lie, I totally performed the fuck out of every Kesha song at a local gay bar in jacksonville, FL, which will be told later on in the story.)
So off we were, like two donkeykongs in a forest, just me jesse and the open road. A total of 12 hours to get there, we spent our time listening to tracks of Kesha, M.I.A and The Donnas, and awesome all girl rock band from the 80s who I was introduced to. Crazy and edgy with excitement and anticipation, screaming our hearts out, beeping my horn loudly whenever we got excited, and making fun of everything, the drive was amazing. As I was getting tired of driving and looking for a place to recharge for a little while, and by a place I mean a fucking WAFFLEHOUSE, I was driving somewhere in North Carolina and all of a sudden right in front of my eyes a beautiful bright gleaming star fell right out of the sky. It didnt shoot or go sideways or anything it just fell. So I guess I saw my first shooting star. A little after this I saw some signs of civilization and an exit sign with a Waffle House on it so it was time to get off the express way, and put some waffles inside of me.
As I got out of the car, it was still ice cold. Well cant expect much difference in North Carolina of the weather. And for someone who had only been out of the tri state once in her life, and it was leaving on an impromptu trip to Chicago, just being in a different state was so cool to me. I went inside and my waitresses name was Keisha, so of course I called her Kesha. Still being in awe of being in a different state I said am I really in North Carolina? and She looked right back at me and said "oh honeyyyy you're in Cannnntonnn North Carolinnaa nowww." It was just really awesome the way she said it with an accent. And then she sand we r who we r accapella.
After a quick recharge, Jesse got behind the wheel. This was about 4 am. I took a nap until about 7, switched with Jesse and trucked it the rest of the way to Jacksonville, Florida.
I woke up late for my 9 am shift at Bob Evans, just like any other day. Dreading getting there and hating my life thinking about going in. Trudging through the snow in my coffee and syrup stained uniform that forever smells of biscuits and gravy. I texted my friend Jesse to see what station I was in, to see if it was worth going in for. You see, at Bob Evans, like any rastraunt, there are sections with booths and there are sections with tables. Sections with booths are known as: The 30's and 40's. The 50's and 60's. Reserved for Tabitha, Janet, Jenny, and Melissa BENNET. Then there are the table stations: The 10's and 20's, and..,..eti0943ut30760y5 don don don... THE 70'S AND 80'S!!!!! (lightening strikes, thunder rumbles, and you see a scary tree outside your window shaped like a big farm burger)
The 70's and 80's is a placed reserved for the shaftees of The Farm. Aka Me, J Dusing, Chelsea Fee(occasionally) oh KEITH! haha definitely keith and on a rare occasion you will see Tabby over there. Melissa Roth isn't even lucky enough to serve in the 70's and 80's. She is restricted to the counter and doing carryout.
Well, for ONCE in my life I was scheduled in the 30's and 40's... but since I trudged in late because I dont give a fuck and the managers are retarded as cherry bread on rye and didnt know they had scheduled Chelsea Fee... they decided to give her my spot in the boothes and thus I was shafted over to the 70s and 80s. I think I made 13.75. Regardless, this is all just background information for The Great Escape.
After considerably thinking about how much shit was going wrong in my life at the time and how I hate my job and everything to do with northern kentucky and how for once I just wanted to fucking do something for me. MYSELF. I didn't want anything to hold me back. Job, money, school, nothing. I decided I was going to drive down to Florida on a whim and enjoy my life over the long Martin Luther King holiday. God bless that intelligent little african. I asked my friend Jesse if he would go with me that morning and we both started freaking out about it and really wanted to go and of course we are both huge tools so we worked Saturday night as well so we decided that at the end of the night we would pack up our bags, hop in my 2002 Navy Blue Mazda 626, and hit the road. Only problem is we are toolsx2 and both worked all weekend. How are we supposed to run away and enjoy our lives with nothing stopping us if we are scheduled to work? Easy answer. Leave a note on a napkin for your manager saying you are going to Florida, be back in a few. Which is exactly what I did. but it wasnt on a napkin. And it had a lot more detail to it.
I took the note back to my manager on duty and explained to her how my agent got me a last minute audition in with a disney cruise ship in orlando and had to leave promptly. She told me she didnt know if I would have a job when I came back and I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Welllp, this isn't my life." She wished me well on my "audition" and off I went. (***Side note, it wasn't a total lie, I totally performed the fuck out of every Kesha song at a local gay bar in jacksonville, FL, which will be told later on in the story.)
So off we were, like two donkeykongs in a forest, just me jesse and the open road. A total of 12 hours to get there, we spent our time listening to tracks of Kesha, M.I.A and The Donnas, and awesome all girl rock band from the 80s who I was introduced to. Crazy and edgy with excitement and anticipation, screaming our hearts out, beeping my horn loudly whenever we got excited, and making fun of everything, the drive was amazing. As I was getting tired of driving and looking for a place to recharge for a little while, and by a place I mean a fucking WAFFLEHOUSE, I was driving somewhere in North Carolina and all of a sudden right in front of my eyes a beautiful bright gleaming star fell right out of the sky. It didnt shoot or go sideways or anything it just fell. So I guess I saw my first shooting star. A little after this I saw some signs of civilization and an exit sign with a Waffle House on it so it was time to get off the express way, and put some waffles inside of me.
As I got out of the car, it was still ice cold. Well cant expect much difference in North Carolina of the weather. And for someone who had only been out of the tri state once in her life, and it was leaving on an impromptu trip to Chicago, just being in a different state was so cool to me. I went inside and my waitresses name was Keisha, so of course I called her Kesha. Still being in awe of being in a different state I said am I really in North Carolina? and She looked right back at me and said "oh honeyyyy you're in Cannnntonnn North Carolinnaa nowww." It was just really awesome the way she said it with an accent. And then she sand we r who we r accapella.
After a quick recharge, Jesse got behind the wheel. This was about 4 am. I took a nap until about 7, switched with Jesse and trucked it the rest of the way to Jacksonville, Florida.
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