When I am with you I feel like I am in this peaceful place, almost like heaven. You are this precious blonde little angel who is perfect. Soft skin, soft touch, soft voice. I am obsessed with it all. The sound of your voice, the sounds you make, your hands, your feet, your legs, you lips, your bite. And your hair. I would love to be right back where I was this afternoon. I miss you already, and I am sorry about getting upset with you. I need to learn to calm down and just "talk." I know thats why you close up. I have a lot to work on. Still. We all do everyday in our lives we can improve something we do. Some need to work on more than others. Anyway, I want you to know that while my life isn't that great, and sometimes it sorta feels like hell, I love that when I get to be with you I am in a peaceful relaxing blonde heaven. I'm in love with you, and I feel I always will be, regardless of what you say about that taylor swift song I always like to quote at the end of things I write.

:)

for you

I have a secret
I'm going to keep it
But I'll let you in
on it

Every night I think to myself how I pray I end up with you, and that we'll get back together.

And I'll write that in my diary every night.

CJJ. <3

my head is pounding right now with ideas words letters and sentences. today something really weird happened weather wise. There was like this huge storm and rain and thunder and lightening and the sirens went off and shit was crazy. not only was shit crazy for you and all of the asians I was watching walk to school in it, but it was crazy for me inside the apartment too. I felt like a huge storm was brewing inside of me my mind, my heart, my soul and my body. I am scared and I feel a mess. I feel like I am losing something, a huge part of me is dying. so then I laid down in bed and I called my mom and shane and I realized that I was going to be okay. I then looked out the window and the storm was over. The sun was shining in on my sequined stained carpet and Audrey Hepburn poster. So today I made a huge relization that even though bad storms are going to happen in your life, the bad time is going to pass and that sun is going to come out and shine on you and you are going to be okay. spring has sprung again and its time for beautiful days picnics in the park, flowers, sunshine and happiness. time for new beginings and time for me to be me. I know in my heart everything will be okay. if not forever but temporarily.

I dont know I dont know how I feel about saying everything is going to be okay? Is it? Is it really? I think it may be a lie we tell ourselves to calm us down when in reality we may never be okay. We also may never be happy either. THink about it. We ALWAYS ALWAY ALWAYS want something we dont have. Its a hard battle to fight but thats life. But I dont want to write about that I want to be in the happy mood I was in. Then, I started watching Lady Gaga's interview with Google and she said something that I relate to so much as a writer. She said something about how we can never fight our creativity. And I know that is something I do constantly. Especially lately I am always having a great idea for a story, a book, a title, a song, a cartoon, an outfit, a joke, you name it. But I am usually just too busy enjoying life to take the time to write it down or like gaga said I am too tired at night. I need to stop fighting the creativity that God and Gaga are giving me because that is the worst crime you can commit. It's my duty as an artist to express my creative thoughts to the world and my fans.

LIstening to: Weightless, All time low

Going crazy I don't wanna waste another minute here.

Like, I am putting on a concert of these mediocre "rock" bands on my balcony right now and chain smoking in my underwear. Its one of the greatest things I have done in a while. I think I was born to be a fucking rockstar. I wish my father was a lead singer or drummer of a rock band in the 80s or something. Because sometimes I feel like he was. I wish I never would have stopped playing the drums when I was 12, and that I could be a member of an all girl rock band right now.

thats okay.

the sky is darkening, I'm losing my happiness and excitement. Oh summer wher art though? Where's my friends? Wheres the warm sun and cool water beating down on my face as a lay on a lawn chair at oak hills swim club? Oh... thats my past. I am a new woman now. Transitioning. I'm kind of an adult. Life is so crazy and mysterious, but I really believe something.

Suffering is Optional.

As soon as I stepped out onto my balcony above the newyork city streets I knew it was perfect time to blog. Okay... NYC strreets arent below me, the cars of other hampton farms residents are. A bunch a birds, some squirrels and I swear I hear a train somewhere. I dont know if its reall or just in my mind but the sound track of my life right now is so beautiful. It smells and feels so beautiful. It smells warm, feels warm. I smell summer. I smell new things, new begginings and good times. I am listening to "Tonight Tonight" by Hot Chelle Rae. As I see myself writing on the balc of my apartment in highland heights in nothing but some ohio girl shoes, white haynes her way underwear, and a grey t shirt, and a script tattoo poking out of that t shirt on my right arm, I feel really beautiful and happy. Tonight. Tonight. Theres a party on a rooftop top of the world.

Do you ever look around yourself and wonder how you came to be where you are? You probably do. Who doesn't fucking do that? I dont know why I thought I was special. What I am trying to say is I know I spent my whole young life wondering what was going to happen to me as a grew up and what directions life would take with me and my surrounding family and friends. It is just so weird that no one is close anymore.

For instance, I remember playing with my brother, he was my best friend. Going to the pool together and hanging out with the girls on the swim team. Where are they now? I haven't spoken to any of them in years. We all go to seperate colleges. Mostly in different states. And my brother? He is engaged. He spends all of his time with some girl he met at his first job maybe 4 or 5 years ago at the grocery store by my house. We all worked there together.

Where is Lauren, my best friend in the entire world. She is currently in Florida with her long term Boyfriend, Chaz. I just... I remember when she started talking to them... I remember Andy's first date with his fiance Nicole. Who knew it would turn into this? Who knew years later hed be getting married to her and Lauren would move half was across the country to drop out of school and work as a Bank Teller with Chaz. I am not saying its bad but... who knew.

Who knew I would be a theatre major living in kentucky all inked up with a long term girlfriend spending most of my time in the gay night life scene. Staying up all night and sleeping all day. Working at a local bar and dropping all of my classes but one. Who knew I would be so involved with drag and trannies and things I never even heard of until a few years ago. Who knew I would room with Nick Hellmann and Shannon Sharp. Who knew I would ever smoke pot? Who knew I would turn out to be someone I probably wouldnt have spoken to in high school.

Where is Sammi? My old old best friend from middle school. The first girl I ever kissed. SHe is living in price hill with her boyfriend now. Its so weird how we have all grown up and taken on these different journies of life. It seems like it went by in the blink of an eye. We really do need to cherish the time we have here. It truly goes by so quickly. I used to wonder what my life would be like when I went to bars with my girlfriends sitting around sipping fruity drinks. Well guess what Laura, your life is here. And you aren't at some bar drinking cocktails with your friends. Instead, I am at some hole in the wall gay bar drinking a bud light wearing jeans and a hoodie. Not what I pictured. But I love it. I like it. I like my life alot. I really love my girlfriend when we aren't fighting. I feel like most of the fights are my fault but I really think you know, it probably isnt worth it what we fight about. I should probably just calm down most of the time. Relationships will never be perfect, but for some reason I continue to fight for this one and never let go. I want to. I love you.

I want to listen to Mine by Taylor Swift right now. If that is the correct title.