I need a break from all of this. This life I have been living. It's wearing me out and freaking me out and makes me anxious. I want to stay inside of my house and live like a turtle, in my warm cozy shell. I want to work 50 hours a week and come home and read and go to sleep. I want another job. I don't want to waste my money on going out I want these exes off of my hands. Not an academy award or a record sold and I am already tired of the glitz and the glam and the fashion. A change of scenery is in order and I am so ready for school to start this fall. A chance to pluck myself from this odd state I have been living in filled with no money, empty stomachs, and cigarettes. I don't regret it, staying out until 3, or 4 am every night of the week. Definitely some beautiful inspiration, kick ass times, and endless amounts of laughter, but boy, do I need some good old boring homework or something. Some one give me an essay to write, or ask me a question about coagulated blood paste. Get me away from sequins, drag queens, and hair bleach. I want some glasses and a floor length brown skirt and a shirt that says I am married to God on it. I need to change this needs to change. Intervention time beings now.

NESSARO$E

I am going to get personal.

Wow, I just don't know what to think right now. So many thoughts are rushing through my head. It felt so good when it started, and even during. I was addicted, in the heat of the moment and couldn't get enough of it. Couldn't stop even it was wrong and was going to affect me after. Now, after it's done... I just feel so guilty. Ashamed. Dirty. I want to shower. I need to clean my teeth. And I am pretty sure a little something is growing in side me.

Eating chipotle is just like having a one night stand.

So I guess beans and rice is my anti-std.

:)

Fuck noodle soup, McChicken for the teenage soul

People judge. They love to judge others and their situations. Sometimes I even have to take a step back from when I am talking and tell myself, "Hey, let them be. You don't know their situation, it is not for you to say or comment on." I am not saying we all shouldn't form opinions about things or even that if we have opinions that we should keep them to ourselves. One of the best things in life is having a different view on something than someone so you can share what you think about a topic. Then they can share what they think, you disagree at parts, agree at parts, but what is most important is to keep that mind open and learn from one another. Having that, "Huh, I never thought about it like that" moment is something I strive for, because it means I was exposed to something that hadn't really crossed my mind, or maybe it was something obvious that my brain just hadn't seen or caught on to. That is why others are there, to talk, discuss, and share views.

There is a difference between having a different thought or opinion, and being a nasty ignorant bitch. You know, those nasty ass bitches that just have a damn look on their face about others, something they do or have done. Narrow small minded cunt wrags who think that they are better than everyone else because they haven't tried a drug ever or they have only slept with one person in their life. I am not saying those are bad things, at all, whatsoever. But if I can sit here and respect you for your choices, then respect me for who I am. Respect my friends for who they are and what they have done. Whether it was a mistake or not, whether I or they regret it or not, (noregrets) it isn't hurting you in the any way, shape, or form. I do bite my tongue as I say this because I certainly lack respect for homeless junkies, and girls who have sex with 3 different boys in one weekend.

I think that is different though, than saying accept some of my flaws rather than "Oh hey accept me with a needle hanging half way out of my arm." Do you know what I mean?

I feel like Carrie Bradshaw.

Fin.

PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR FOR EQUALITY

Sometimes when I am in Clifton coming home, especially at this late hour, or even perhaps happy go lucky riding home on Glenway in broad day light, I pray to God to make me ugly, or to give me huge warts on my face, pale skin, zits, freckles, brown hair, anything to make me unnatractive just so preteen, teen, and middle aged men won't whistle, holler, and or gawk at me or ask me "how you doin hunny?" Now, we are all the first to know how much I love attention, but this is unwanted, ignorant, rude, smelly, nigresswithwhitecastleatthedock attention. Like it's fine if you want to tell me how pretty I am, ask for my picture, an autograph, and I might even have time for a book signing here and there but I do not need to nignorant fucking 14 year old gangsta Papa Percy and his crew hollerin at me when their pubes probably ain't even came in yet. Just shut the fuck up. How do you ever in your life think you could ever possibly get with a Maxim cover worthy Goddess such as myself? That's right, I said it. Maxim cover worthy Goddess. To quote Shane Fairness, "I love myself as everyone should." Bitch has the right idea.

Second, I went to The Monster Ball last night. For those of you who live under a rock and are semi retarded The Monster Ball is also known as The Lady Gaga concert. Now, in a few days there will be a whole entire seperate blog for that but let me just tell you it was better than all the proms I have ever went to, homecomings, middle school dances, it's even more exciting than Valentines day in elementary school when you got to make mailboxes out of an old shoe box, more breathtaking than the second coming of Christ, cooler than you and all of your child's lives combined, more intense and pleasurable than that first time you climb the rope in gym class in 5th grade and you have an orgasm, it's like an explosion of glitter, hair bleach, sequins, sex, life, love, death, laughter, smiles, brightness, darkness, happiness, tears, real, insanity, vanity, sharp, edgy, pop, theatrical, art, destruction, creation, a huge fuck you to everyone who judges anyone. The Monster Ball is where we can all be ourselves. Be freaks. I cried several times. What she has done for me, the world, pop music, and just people out there who don't fit in. I know I say it, everyone says it, and she says it but she really welcomes me and makes me feel like I can accomplish what I want, being 100% myself. There are so many people out there who toss around the words, "Yeah, I didn't fit in in high school" way too freely. I am happy to be me and she just reinforces that within myself. We are all supposed to be okay, happy, 100% strong on our own without the help from anyone else, but in the darkest of bullshit fucking times in my life, when I am not full maybe at that 98%, I can look up to my wall full of Gaga pictures, I can listen to her music, and now I can forever remember The Monster Ball that is burned into my memory and remember that I AM A FREE BITCH BABY.

AND NO ONE CAN HANDLE ME.

bai.

ignorant fool

So naturally, I am going to blog about something on Facebook that pissed me off, because that is really all the material I have these days, if I write about work I will be persecuted in the state of Ohio and forbidden to work at said company I would be bitching about. At least, that is what happened last time I tried to make a funny about work.

I think I think I acutally lol'ed today which puts me to shame for all of the other times I typed lol to a friend when I really was thinking, I don't really give a fuck about what you are talking about. But no, today I actually chuckled when I went to this lesbian's facebook profile and saw where her GF wrote, "Happy 3 Months Babe!!!!!" and then as you view her activity right between her liking "Flannel Shirts" and "Home Depot" it said Haiphey Dyke is now single. I would say her name, but she might get all haiphey on me and threaten to "beat my ass at bronz." Nigga, hush. After 3 months of logging on to Fockbook to see statuses between these two girls that read things such as, "I love you baby forever, your eyes show me promises of tomorrow." and "You and me together babe I love you so much you mean the world to me your skin feels like the soft promise of forever." to see that they just celebrated their 3 months and the next day they dipset out of their relationship????

It wouldn't even be as stupid and lesbian and funny as fuck as it was if one of these girls hadn't bitched me out the day prior for tryina "get at her girl." I was told to watch who I fucked with and that I would be getting my asss beat the next time I went out all because I wished some dumb ass bitch lesbian a happy 3 months with her and her dumb trick bitch girlfriend. And maybe tried to flirt with her and told her she was cute... regardless. You all suck. suckkkkk suck suck. And chances are ya'll are still making payments for that uhaul you used two weeks ago! PEACE NUKKA.

gfrh

So I was practicing some witchcraft earlier when my wand broke in half and I was lyke soooo pi$$ed because well, for witches in the 1st realm of the goblet of hytoplex it is really fucking hard to cast spells without your wand. I can do Hexes, hexes are nbd to anyone without a wand really but it was just shitty because on top of all that my broom was out of gas this morning. ;/ bummer

So I really love being a host at a restaurant because when I ask people how their day is they reply to me with a number.

I would get Silly bands in the shape of serial killers...

ughhhhhh I AM SO IRRITATED RIGH TNOW WHERE ARE MY KEYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs

untitled

It's embarassing when:

You pull up to McDonald's drive through and they hand you a large Dr Pepper and small orange drank but you don't have anywhere to put them because last week's to go cups from steak n shake filled with mr pibb are in still in your drink holders.

You ask friend A where the bathroom is at friend B's houses and take a mysteriously long amount of time in this bathroom and then a day later you have a new profile pic, myspace style might I add, of you in the mirror at friend B's house. like bitch... you took the time to take a picture of yourself in the mirror and post it on Fockbook...

you write beautiful soul on your knee on thursday and it is still there monday night...

It's kind of funny and awkward that we all spend the most amount of time looking at our own facebook profiles.

I think that instead of having "It's complicated" as an option for relationships on Facebook we should all just be honest and make it "It's completely fucked up with" or there could be one that is "Blake Jelley is afraid of commitment with Shane Patrick Fairness Duffy" or even better "Lesbian A has feelings for Lesbian B but still wants to sleep with lesbians C-G" because that sounds a little more accurate to me.



let's jump into the deep end for a minute... as I sit here almost coming to tears looking at pictures of my friends and their happiness, they are so simply happy when surrounded by their friends just enjoying their lives, doing what they want to do... and thinking of recent events and all of my friends and their relationships with their families I have decided that I will not have a child. I don't know what the purpose of that would be because parents don't have children because they want to create a human being to live his or her life to the fullest, they create children because they WANT to or because they were wasted and a condom broke. From the beggining it looks like it starts out as already being all about the parents happiness or it was a mistake. Thinking about the side of parents wanting children... they want this perfect little thing to bring them happiness and joy to their lives, but as we age they continue to want that. They continue to want their own happiness. But as well all know, infants grow up into toddlers who grow up into being their own person, hoping that their families instilled good values and life lessons into them, but it's so hard because no matter what there becomes that point of rebellion as a human being. You are 13 and you think you are independant and want to do everything on your own and everything against your parents, no matter what your parents taught you. Nothing ever seems to work out. Accesive rules make kids rebel even harder and when parents try to be a kid's best friend no rules are enforced and the parents even start to provide the kid with alcohol at parties and letting their friends and boyfriends and or girlfriends stay that night and that is when a kid becomes so severely fucked up because they think they are entitled to everything.

I don't know, I am so happy and blessed that a beautiful woman decided to give me life, and despite our mess of a relationship I really think she knew what she was doing. I will always commend her for not shoving anything down my throat, literally or physically. I am so greatful for the lack of religion and her spiritualness of believing in a greater being and letting me decide what I will believe in. I was able to eat what I wanted and was never forced to eat my vegetables and drink milk and shit. As children, we were always laughing and having wonderful times. My family may have our differences now, and I know my mom thinks she did something wrong along the way because of some of my quote un quote behavior and by behavior I mean being a lesbian... but I believe that my mentality and outlook on life and being able to think for myself is what is important. Then around wokring age I got a job and began to learn the value of a dollar. Sure there are days when I am broken down and think "wouldn't it be nicer if I were just born into money and didn't have to worry about things?" but I would never trade any of my financial situations for anything because I know what it is like to work hard for something at such an early age. My accomplishments in life will all mean so much to me because I will always know that nothing was bought for me and that I worked for it all, on my own. I think my parents doa great job of balancing the money help I do recieve, not sure if it is on purpose or not but they help me when I am diar need of it, being parents and caretakers, but I feel so much luckier than all of the kids I know who are bought evertyhing, whose parents pay for college, pay for their cars and all of that nonsense because I feel like I know what it is all about. Appreciating the simple things and wokring hard. Loving and being passionate, because when you don''t have a single fukcing penny in your bank account, but when you have love, passion, and faith, you have everything.