Waking up on my 21st birthday I was super excited to look down and pick up my cell to see the 50+ messages from all of my friends and or aquatences, you know like back in high school. Well to my surprise when I looked down at my phone there was only 1 text. And it was from this random girl who lives in dayton that I have hung out with once. Actually, she was with me the night I started drawing on the walls and painting a mural on my room back at my old apartment. Gee, I thought, times have changed.

Then the night of my 21st birthday party I was so excited for all of my friends to be there. New, and old, just to gather and meet everyone. And then my best friend since 6th grade who is only in town for another week didn't even show up.

Times are changing, Gale. We aren't all best friends anymore. And no one really cares. Everyone has there own lives that they care way more about and my friends are slowly fading into those people who only write on my Facebook wall on my birthday, opposed to a phone call or even a text.

We are all drifting. I'm 21. It's now or never. Its time to shit or get off the pot. This is the age where everyone stops caring about how much potential you have, someone once told me. And its true I mean, why should anyone care about what you COULD do or SHOULD do or WILL do. The only things that matter are the things you actually set your mind out to do.

I feel a new wavelength coming on. I feel change. and like Rafiki says... it is time.

ughhhhh I don't know I have just been thinking about a lot lately. As per usual and I have a topic I want to write about.

Love and monogamy.

Okay so depending upon what you believe... this article may not apply to you, I for one however do not believe that we were all just plopped down here one day, I strongly believe in the hard evidence and scientific facts of evolution. With that being said... I believe we evolved from the apes, hence we are animals.

I had a huge fight with this autistic kid on my bus every day after school. He would have all of his little animal toys out on his seat and be playing with them and me and this really mean bully kid named Jake would tell him, "You know Jonah... you're an animal too."

"I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! ANIMALS ARE GIRAFFES AND FROGS AND LIZARDS AND I AM NOT ONE!!!!"


"Jonah... you're an animal...."



and so on and so forth until we got tired of it.

However, humans are mammals, and mammals are animals. And I ain't never seen a dog get married... so its like, what the fuck are we doing thinking we are all high and mighty? Do elephants at the zoo make each other valentines day cards? No, they don't waste their money on construction paper and glue and rhinestones because their brains arent developed enough to let them think and process and watch movies and films and listen to songs about "love." So they are never given the oppourtunity to believe in the lie that love is.



“We fall in love when our imagination projects nonexistent perfection upon another person. One day, the fantasy evaporates and with it, love dies.”
- Spanish philosopher Jose Ortega y Gasset


I mean... I think the Spaniard has a point.


You hear it all the time... phrases like, "girl/boy of my dreams."
"he's/she's everything I ever wanted."


We create the perfect person in our head and its just not out there. And dont even get me started on monogamy...


sex is soooo animalistic. and I feel if you can let yourself become animalistic during sex, and let that pure instinct inside of you just rip off the clothes of that person laying in front of you, or standing over you, or sitting at a diner table, or in the movie theatre.... wherever your sex may be, have fun. play a little. fuck like a wildabeast or a lion or a cheetah or even a cra cra zebra.

HElllllloooo everyone! Whats up?! I have actually been doing a whole fucking lot with my life in this vacation from work and school. I started a really awesome project the other day. That's what I keep doing and starting these "projects" of mine. I don't really know what I want to do with my life but I know what I truly love doing is creating. Creating art, in a lot of different forms. Whether its photography, clothing, hair, make up, paint, or paper and a pen I love doing it. I have decided I want to return to UC in the fall and I am not sure what I want to major in. I have been looking into english, journalism, even some DAAP programs and CCM. But this time its not theatre I'm all enthused about. I've been thinking about electronic media. I just want to create and make projects of my own and instead of listening to someone who doesn't know what they are talking about who was in 1 broadway musical tell me how to act, I'm going to learn how to work the camera so I can make my own television show, because bitch I'm already hilarious. There is some really cool quote that I am not looking up right now that goes a little something like this... if you are looking for a really funny movie out there thats real specific that you just cant find, make your own movie. If you aren't getting cast in shows, make your own television show. If there is a book out there you wanna read that isn't written yet, write it. Create something unique and new in this world that you can share that isn't there yet. Don't just copy your predaccesors, give and contibute to the beautiful world of art that surrounds us everyday that we dont even see.

So for my project, I decided to paint the walls of my room. I did this over night one night and stayed up until about 5 am. I like to invite friends to come over and paint with me, and leave a little mark of theirs on the wall in my room. It's so cool so see all different types of drawings and paintings and words and objects. I absolutely love it.

sometimes I look at our old pictures and wonder if you even remember me
I wonder if your family refers to me as the time you dated that crazy blonde freak... or if my name isn't mentioned at all. How could someone that meant the world to you at one moment in time mean completely nothing at a seperate moment in time. Our love wasn't real, from the moment it began. We were both looking for a fairy tale ending but what we got was real life instead. I didn't meet your families standards so you dumped me on the side of the road like yesterdays trash, and I can't thank you enough for letting me go. For you are definitely not the one I am supposed to live my life with, you made me insecure and you made me feel horrible about myself. You fucked with my young head and you knew what you were doing. Don't you think 19 is a little young? You were older and had been through love before and I hadn't. You swore the old you was gone and you were a new and changed woman for me. You wanted us to have a life together. You cheat on every one you make a relationship with. You were so beautiful to me and you picked me up and made me feel like no one else in the room mattered. You might say that you were entering the real world and I was too young but I need this time I needed this time to experiment and experience and just live my fucking life. You got to go through all of the things I am going through now. We used to say we'd end up together. I wonder what you think about that now. I wonder if you ever think about me or if you miss me at all. I wonder why I let your rejection sit in the back of my mind like an old book ina library that someone only picks up once a month just to remind themselves why they would never want to read it. How are you picking my brain a year later and urging me to write about you. MEmories are flooding back through my head as I sit here and look at pictures. You always said everything happens for a reason, but sitting here over a year later from our break up I can't find a reason for you, because I'm still falling for the same shit and I'm still getting hurt. Abby, oh abby, what did you do to me?

Reality Television absolutely killed tv. They think of the... and I am just going to say it... the most RETARDED shit these days. Like... Idol? Should have been over a LONG time ago. After Paula abdul dipped out it was all down hill from there. And to be honest without simon that show is nothing. I mean, I dont even know who any of the fuckin idols are expect Kellie fuckin Pickler. God she was a nice piece of blonde ass. Id tear that shit UP.

Do you ever want to take a loaded hand gun and shoot your radio in your car in the face? Like if I have to hear another fukcing Bruno Mars, KT Perry, or Adele song I am going to shit a brick and take said brick and slap Kiss 107 Fm in the mother humping jaw with it. I HATE HEARING ALL OF THOSE RE FUCKING TARDED SONGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Thank GOD for Born This Way... even though...

born this way...

like. marry the night.government hooker.judas. AMERICANO. HAIR. EDGE OF GLOR. you and I. BLOODY MARRY. Black Jesus...

other than that... honestly. I dont know what happened. I will give them a chance soon but they all sound the same OH MY GOD BAD KIDZZZ!!!! Love that. cant forget about that. I love you gaga but some of these are definitely throw aways... in my opinion. im going to stop myself. Im in love with you. you are great. but Im not going to follow you until I love you on this album. I mean

who are we kiddin

I am.

You know what... I hate going to restaraunts on the west side of Cincinnati because chances are when I enter the building I have harassed at least one of the waitresses or waiters online via Facebook, MySpace, Aim or Thedirty.com Sure enough tonight as I walked in to the LaRosa's on Glenway I saw about three fat hogs I graduated with from highschool. Excuse me, did I say hogs? I meant, hogs. Thats right. I don't know what it is about graduated from high school that says it's now okay to become a daily subscriber to Krispee Kreem but some of the girls sign right up the day school ends. And if there bellies aren't full of doughnuts, pizza, chipotle, and college boy sperm, its filled with a baby. Pregnant or fat. Those seem like some of the only options after high school to a young woman. I however have decided to take another route. Anyway, back to family dinner with the looneytunes. So... I used to avoid certain restaraunts on the westside, knowing that certain people I went to high school with worked at them, but these days anymore I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I like going actually, and I always like looking great and holding my head high. Like... I mean I know why people don't like me. It's because I make fun of them and act like a lunatic. But... here it is, I actually am crazy. There I said it. I'm coming out of the padded closet. But all famous people are crazy, and that 1 of my three aspirations in life.

1. FAME
2. SKINNY
3. BLONDE

Those are relaly the only three things I want in my life. oh. there are 4.

4. LOTS AND LOTS OF ORGASMS.

I like sex. But... I'm really getting side tracked from the story. So I stomped in to Larosas in a yellow t shirt and skirt that looked like a picnic table cover, ankle boots, a black blazer, eyeliner running down my face painted on the day before, messy blonde hair, and I feel like there might have been lipstick on my neck. Anyway, the key to be hated is to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS show off your confidence, and tits. If you have them... DO NOT BY ANY MEANS TRY TO SHOW OFF YOUR CLEAVAGE IF YOU ARE FLAT CHESTED LADIES!!!

Thats like having a small penis. Nothing good can cum from it. ahhh! ;)

So the ugly hostess sat us and up pops our waiter. "Fuck." I thought immediately. I totally posted his girlfriend on thedirty.com like last summer. Not only that but I once make a facebook status about his girlfriends friend that got trampled at our senior prom. It read:

"HAHAHAHAHAHA I just remember when Lindsay Jobst got trampled at prom."

Like... first of all... Lindsay Jobst had an orange face and a white neck. Like... two criteria which allows anyone to hate her. And for the most part... everyone did hate her and thought it was funny that she got trampled during sandstorm. Like I even remember one guy saying to me

"yeah dude we were all like fuck who are we stompin on man and then we found out it was that slut Lindsay Jobst with a orange face and a white neck so I stomped on her chest."

Like... LIT ER A LEE no one liked her. But as soon as I decide to make my status about her... EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER has to start defending her. Thats what people do. They talk shit about everyone until I finally say something out loud (or in writing sitting behind my computer where I can still say what I want but no one can punch me in the face) and then they act all fucking fake and start defending all of the ugly fuckers with warts on their faces that I talk about. It astounds me. I hate people. I just want to be a fuckign stand up comedian and tell these stories. BEcause I know that at least the general audience will at least laugh at me and then go home and talk shit behind my back like a damn good friend. I am a bad friend. I post shit ONLINE.

Back to the pizzeria...

So, my mom usually doesn't make me go to restaraunts where people would want to shoot me but I said I didn't care tonight. Well... then I got there and I saw all of the people there who hated me and what their reasons were and I was like fuck... someone is totally going to piss in my water tonight. Or like... my spaghetti is about to get FUCKED WITH. So I just want the staff of LaRosa's on Glenway to know that if you did fuck with my food tonight. Fuck you. I don't care. Props to you. At least you aren't still bitching about how I posted you on thedirty and not doing anything about it. And... if you didn't do anything... well this is just another example about the fact that I think people care about me WAYYYY more than they do because well, I'm famous. ;)

So halfway through the dinner my 21 year old brother who still lives at home who is engaged who has slept with his fiance less times than I have slept with my recent fuck buddy, starts talking about all of the exxxxpennnsiiiveeee food he eats and how him and his classy expensive girl friend have tried crab, and veil, and sushi, and blah blah blah boo boo boo no one is listening to you talk asshole. He and his fiance think that they are so much better than me because they try expensive food and they go to fancy restaraunts and because they don't get open containers and they dont drop out of college and they dont bleach their hair or get tattoos or have piercings or whatever the fuck it is that day that makes them better than I. But what gets me is that... YEAH, IM SURE YA DO HAVE LOOOADSSSS OF $$$$MONEY$$$$ to spend on fucking crab and veil because you mother fuckers dont have any goddamn bills to pay because you live at home and you are just playing fucking house.

ID LIKE TA SEE YA MOVE OUT! HOW MUCH VEIL YOU BE EATIN THEN ASSHOLES??? HUH????

I remember when my brother asked me if I had tried any form of Japanese food or if I had ever had veil and I said, NO DICKFACE I eat .99 cent boxes of spaghetti from kroger and thats how I get buy.

fucking veil.

You know what... I may be two years out of high school with nothing to show for it. I may have dropped out of school and I may have gotten fired from a few jobs. I may be partying too much and not taking life seriously. I may waste most of my money on cigarettes, weed, and hair bleach.

BUT AT LEAST I DIDN'T GET FAT.

Infact, I've lost about 20 lbs since high school and I've never looked better than I do today. I dress how I want, and I act how I want. I may be a little too loud and a little too shiny and a little too blonde for the average housewife. But I'm not the average housewife. I'm the housewife who has an affair with another housewife. I'm the housewife who fucks my 17 year old high school gardener. I'm that housewife who runs away to vegas and does coke. I'm a fantasy. Housewife. The only fucking suburbia I belong in is Wisteria Lane, killin bitchez and fuckin highschool boys since 2009.

So be my guest... stay in the midwest. Get pregnant. Have a baby. Get married. Become a nurse. I never want my life to be anything less than a 20 out of 10. Above and beyond. High. I want my life to look like a movie for the viewer at all times. No matter what.

I really am the star of my own movie. And I'm going to be famous. Just wait and see. 5.16.11

Do you all remember the hours of pain and agony we used to spend each night screaming with our mothers asking if friends could stay the night? I do. Like... the worst was when you didn't even get your whole sentence out: "Hey mom, since we're off school tomorrow can-"

"NO!"

LIKE CUNT YOU DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS BOUT TO ASK.

Or you do get your whole sentence out and they are like no not tonight but like you just spent the entire afternoon planning a sleep over with your best friend like no is not the answer. You want your friend to come over and you want those hours of talking about boys and eating pizza and laughing and peeing your pants. You cannot just let your mother destroy that with one stupid single fucking no.

That is where I learned to throw TEMPER TANTRUMS. Like screaming and crying and begging and begging and they just keep on saying no, so then you threaten to kill yourself if they wont let you go to a friends or have a friend come over. You go to your room. you cry. you act like the world is over. I swear each time within 20 minutes to an hour my mom was walking right in my room with her keys ready to take me to sammi scholls so I could drink whiskey and kiss girls.

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when im with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQls53Piuj0

The thing I love about Lady Gaga is that when I am looking to hear a song from her, I don't think of what song specifically but what exact performance of hers I want to hear. Do I want to hear her at the Grammys? Do I want to hear her at the VMA's? An old recording of her at Tisch or do I want to here track 7 off of The Fame Monster? Can you Gaga superfans guess what that track is? Look for answers at the end of this blog. She has so many different sounds of each different song its so nuts and each make me love her for another reason. Not only the songs and how she sings them, but the music video artistry, live performance art, and how she never ever wears jeans and a t shirt. She feels like her life is one big piece of art, and thats so damn beautiful.

I hate people. I really hate people who fuck with you. But do you let yourself be fucked with? Do you have any control over what happens or do they have all the control? Could they have stopped it, stopped you... should you have stopped yourself?

Like everytime it happens you think its the last time and you think you are going to be smarter the next time but you aren't.

I had a dream I met Lady Gaga last night.

So I was at some sort of weird form of a Monsterball somewhere in my head and dream world and I swear there were little chinese girls running around and I think that is because I went out to Grand Buffet the evening before with Shane. Anyway Gaga was like swinging on ropes and visiting people in the audience and she swung by me but I didnt get to talk to her and there was like low security at this concert and when I say low security I mean no security and I was able to walk right up to the front row of my section and I sat down and sadly I wasnt wearing anything fantastic I think I had came from work but she started talking to me and then I startd crying and she asked me why I was crying and what was wrong because there was an asian girl sitting next to me crying for being kicked out of the navy and she had a legit reason and I wasn't kicked out of the navy or anything and I said to her, "Well I hope you don't think this is stupid but just being able to speak to you means so much to me you are like everything to me and I look up to you and what you stand for so much." And I pulled down the back of my shirt to show her my bad romance tattoo and she loved it and then I asked to take a picture with her really quick on my cell phone and she freaked the fuck out like she was some sort of vampire that couldnt have its picture taken and I tried to snap was as she fleed the scene and nothing showed up on my phone but A blurry picture of neither of us.

But sadly I just checked my gallery and the only picture that comes up is this.


A picture of me sitting exactly where I was last night before I went to sleep. Writing.

AWESOME!

So I am 20 years old and I am sitting in the computer room of my mothers house and I just downed 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches made with Smucker's Goober Grape. The kinda of PB&J that is all mixed together. Its so fucking delicious. But I swear there are chunks in the peanut butter. Who the FUCK buys chunky peanut butter... like what if everything had the option to include chunk or no chunk. Like semen. Or orange juice.

So when I told you I was in the computer room I meant the spare room at my moms house that has all of my old stuffed animals in it in piles that my mom decided to throw a computer room. Oh, and its easter Sunday. I recently dropped out of college and I work at the mall. I sell pretzles. At one of those pretzle stands. Yeah... do you ever get a pretzle from one of those and see the really ugly fat guy standing there selling them to you? Well thats me. So what exactly stops me from killing myself? Fame. Beauty. and Sex. And Money and music and movies and scripts and lyrics and poems and long hair and sunshine. That is what I love.

I think its safe to say when I am being interviewed on a talk show sometime in the next 5 years that when they ask who my best friend in college was I will say Lady Gaga. Like... I like her so much more than anyone. I would rather listen to Judas than talk to most people. I was definitely closest with my Fame Monster CD, glitter, my lap top, the radio. I like art, not people. And I fucking love sex. I love orgasming. I love cumming. I looooove the fucking build up to that one phenomenal burst of pleasure that can make your eyes roll into the back of your fucking head and make you tremor afterwards. I love sex with other people and I love sex with myself.

I love ladies. I dont like girls and I dont like women. I love fucking ladies. Make up high heels long hair with looks to kill and an attitude to match. I love bad people. I love danger and I love hurt. Im psychotic Im twisted Im gonna get evicted.

I will write until I pull each and every last blonde hair out of this head.

work work work.

Well. It's time for me to turn over a new leaf... that isn't pot. It's time for me to be responsible, and healthy. It's time for me to grow up. I know this controdicts everything I have been saying the past week or month of my life but I think if I want to be succesful I need to do a lot less partying and a lot more wokring towards what I want. There is time to party and let loose but you have to be able to moderate it, and I have NOT been doing a good job of it. I miss you, I do. No matter what I say or what I do... I do miss you.

and as hard as it is for me to give up my popstar life for right now, this little tranny is putting the glitter back into her drag closet.

I just need to be real. And, what I have been doing isn't. I dont know. I just know I need to grow up.

When I am with you I feel like I am in this peaceful place, almost like heaven. You are this precious blonde little angel who is perfect. Soft skin, soft touch, soft voice. I am obsessed with it all. The sound of your voice, the sounds you make, your hands, your feet, your legs, you lips, your bite. And your hair. I would love to be right back where I was this afternoon. I miss you already, and I am sorry about getting upset with you. I need to learn to calm down and just "talk." I know thats why you close up. I have a lot to work on. Still. We all do everyday in our lives we can improve something we do. Some need to work on more than others. Anyway, I want you to know that while my life isn't that great, and sometimes it sorta feels like hell, I love that when I get to be with you I am in a peaceful relaxing blonde heaven. I'm in love with you, and I feel I always will be, regardless of what you say about that taylor swift song I always like to quote at the end of things I write.

:)

for you

I have a secret
I'm going to keep it
But I'll let you in
on it

Every night I think to myself how I pray I end up with you, and that we'll get back together.

And I'll write that in my diary every night.

CJJ. <3

my head is pounding right now with ideas words letters and sentences. today something really weird happened weather wise. There was like this huge storm and rain and thunder and lightening and the sirens went off and shit was crazy. not only was shit crazy for you and all of the asians I was watching walk to school in it, but it was crazy for me inside the apartment too. I felt like a huge storm was brewing inside of me my mind, my heart, my soul and my body. I am scared and I feel a mess. I feel like I am losing something, a huge part of me is dying. so then I laid down in bed and I called my mom and shane and I realized that I was going to be okay. I then looked out the window and the storm was over. The sun was shining in on my sequined stained carpet and Audrey Hepburn poster. So today I made a huge relization that even though bad storms are going to happen in your life, the bad time is going to pass and that sun is going to come out and shine on you and you are going to be okay. spring has sprung again and its time for beautiful days picnics in the park, flowers, sunshine and happiness. time for new beginings and time for me to be me. I know in my heart everything will be okay. if not forever but temporarily.

I dont know I dont know how I feel about saying everything is going to be okay? Is it? Is it really? I think it may be a lie we tell ourselves to calm us down when in reality we may never be okay. We also may never be happy either. THink about it. We ALWAYS ALWAY ALWAYS want something we dont have. Its a hard battle to fight but thats life. But I dont want to write about that I want to be in the happy mood I was in. Then, I started watching Lady Gaga's interview with Google and she said something that I relate to so much as a writer. She said something about how we can never fight our creativity. And I know that is something I do constantly. Especially lately I am always having a great idea for a story, a book, a title, a song, a cartoon, an outfit, a joke, you name it. But I am usually just too busy enjoying life to take the time to write it down or like gaga said I am too tired at night. I need to stop fighting the creativity that God and Gaga are giving me because that is the worst crime you can commit. It's my duty as an artist to express my creative thoughts to the world and my fans.

LIstening to: Weightless, All time low

Going crazy I don't wanna waste another minute here.

Like, I am putting on a concert of these mediocre "rock" bands on my balcony right now and chain smoking in my underwear. Its one of the greatest things I have done in a while. I think I was born to be a fucking rockstar. I wish my father was a lead singer or drummer of a rock band in the 80s or something. Because sometimes I feel like he was. I wish I never would have stopped playing the drums when I was 12, and that I could be a member of an all girl rock band right now.

thats okay.

the sky is darkening, I'm losing my happiness and excitement. Oh summer wher art though? Where's my friends? Wheres the warm sun and cool water beating down on my face as a lay on a lawn chair at oak hills swim club? Oh... thats my past. I am a new woman now. Transitioning. I'm kind of an adult. Life is so crazy and mysterious, but I really believe something.

Suffering is Optional.

As soon as I stepped out onto my balcony above the newyork city streets I knew it was perfect time to blog. Okay... NYC strreets arent below me, the cars of other hampton farms residents are. A bunch a birds, some squirrels and I swear I hear a train somewhere. I dont know if its reall or just in my mind but the sound track of my life right now is so beautiful. It smells and feels so beautiful. It smells warm, feels warm. I smell summer. I smell new things, new begginings and good times. I am listening to "Tonight Tonight" by Hot Chelle Rae. As I see myself writing on the balc of my apartment in highland heights in nothing but some ohio girl shoes, white haynes her way underwear, and a grey t shirt, and a script tattoo poking out of that t shirt on my right arm, I feel really beautiful and happy. Tonight. Tonight. Theres a party on a rooftop top of the world.

Do you ever look around yourself and wonder how you came to be where you are? You probably do. Who doesn't fucking do that? I dont know why I thought I was special. What I am trying to say is I know I spent my whole young life wondering what was going to happen to me as a grew up and what directions life would take with me and my surrounding family and friends. It is just so weird that no one is close anymore.

For instance, I remember playing with my brother, he was my best friend. Going to the pool together and hanging out with the girls on the swim team. Where are they now? I haven't spoken to any of them in years. We all go to seperate colleges. Mostly in different states. And my brother? He is engaged. He spends all of his time with some girl he met at his first job maybe 4 or 5 years ago at the grocery store by my house. We all worked there together.

Where is Lauren, my best friend in the entire world. She is currently in Florida with her long term Boyfriend, Chaz. I just... I remember when she started talking to them... I remember Andy's first date with his fiance Nicole. Who knew it would turn into this? Who knew years later hed be getting married to her and Lauren would move half was across the country to drop out of school and work as a Bank Teller with Chaz. I am not saying its bad but... who knew.

Who knew I would be a theatre major living in kentucky all inked up with a long term girlfriend spending most of my time in the gay night life scene. Staying up all night and sleeping all day. Working at a local bar and dropping all of my classes but one. Who knew I would be so involved with drag and trannies and things I never even heard of until a few years ago. Who knew I would room with Nick Hellmann and Shannon Sharp. Who knew I would ever smoke pot? Who knew I would turn out to be someone I probably wouldnt have spoken to in high school.

Where is Sammi? My old old best friend from middle school. The first girl I ever kissed. SHe is living in price hill with her boyfriend now. Its so weird how we have all grown up and taken on these different journies of life. It seems like it went by in the blink of an eye. We really do need to cherish the time we have here. It truly goes by so quickly. I used to wonder what my life would be like when I went to bars with my girlfriends sitting around sipping fruity drinks. Well guess what Laura, your life is here. And you aren't at some bar drinking cocktails with your friends. Instead, I am at some hole in the wall gay bar drinking a bud light wearing jeans and a hoodie. Not what I pictured. But I love it. I like it. I like my life alot. I really love my girlfriend when we aren't fighting. I feel like most of the fights are my fault but I really think you know, it probably isnt worth it what we fight about. I should probably just calm down most of the time. Relationships will never be perfect, but for some reason I continue to fight for this one and never let go. I want to. I love you.

I want to listen to Mine by Taylor Swift right now. If that is the correct title.

I really wish I could sleep. Lately I have become really obsessed with smoking marijuana. It just makes me really happy and I have a good time. Not that I dont have an amazing time without it, but for some reason its just like, interests me lately.

all eyes on me when I walk in no question that this girls a ten.

dragstar.

dragsuperstar.

ratmama.

I wish I could sleep.

Have any of you ever read the book, "Frindle?"

God,LOOK IT UP!

Fantastic story line if I do say so myself.

beach volleyball.

SO I was just sitting here talking to someone in theatre and I started thinking about you and How much I miss your skin and touch and how amazing it felt to me when you came to my first performance at NKU and the first time you saw me perform in general. I miss how happy we used to be about life, us, and each other. And ourselves. My hair net got caught in your septum ring when you hugged me and oh my God your face was so soft. I pick you. I pick you over everything and everyone. I want you. I know we can get our happiness back. I don't want anyone else. At all. Now or never. and I'm going to stay true to you. Like I have been.

No matter how good a day can be
or how good things get between us
or how happy you make me feel

does not take away from the fact about how much I miss "us"
the real us
the intimate us. you and I.

I yearn for it.
someday.

God, you don't miss what you have until its gone. I hope I get you back

Don't worry. This isn't another emotional depressing love poem. I feel like fucking Alice Piazecki from The L Word. And no one wants to be fucking Alice. We all want to be Bette, or Carmyn, or Shane. Or Helena. Hey Girl. Anyway, for the first time, I am writing again with a somewhat level or clear head, and in a pretty upbeat mood. I decided to write because, well, I already checked my facebook 20 times in the past 5 minutes, and guess what, Laura? No one new is writing on your wall.

Updates:
School- Hate. I dont know why but I cannot get into it. I love writing, and I love performing. I love music and I love art. I love pretty things and pictures. I want to go to school for that. So theatre is supposed to be the closest thing to that, right? I dont know. I just am not enjoying my freshmore year of college right now. Maybe its because I came here to perform but wasnt cast in any thing. And thats okay. It was my first semester. And that classes arent interesting... at all. And its so hard to worry about school when...

Work- Unemployed. I quit my job, some will disagree with me ;), but I pretty much quit a few weeks ago and walked out the door and got in my car and drove to florida. It was one of the most liberating things I could have done. When I was down there, I spent most of the money I had. Part of it on a tattoo that is on my upper right arm that reads "Live." I wanted a huge reminder of the trip and of what the trip was all about. Just living your life. We get wayy too caught up in our routine lives and it feels amazing to break the schedule. When I returned, my life was in complete shambles. So i think the trip taught me a few things... a long with the first message of Living Your Life, it also taught me that I cant always run away from my problems. SOmetimes you ahve to learn to deal with them. I dont regret it, because I will get myself together. I know I am strong. But it has been very hard.

Relationship- well, you can read my previous posts. But I think things are going to be okay. I'm in love and thats really all that matters.

My hair is red and I love it with every ounce of me.

I know I am different and weird and like dont ever really fit into anything. But its really fun to be outside of the box. SO if you feel like you are stuck in side, try to jump out and see what it feels like. I definitely feel like I am "Living."

:)

it felt amazing to hug you today.

4:23 am. day 477

here I am again, at this place I call home
a bed I used to lay in for hours, and talk to you on the phone
outside the window a see a street
we used to make out in your little orange car underneath that tree

I miss the days when you'd pick me up, and take me home
your hand I'd hold the entire ride, to and from
I miss your soft voice and the touch of your skin
I miss the smell of your hair
I miss your small little face
It's like you're gone, without a trace
a small little part of you I'll hold in my heart
you really have left your foot prints in my soul

I know this isn't over. I know this isn't over.

I know we aren't over. I know there are good times to be had and good years to come, a rough patch will face, but its only temporary. hit me, push me, punch me in the head. I want the abuse
whatever you choose. I feel like its the only thing to make it even. Although I am hurting, hurting right now I can't possibly know what it feels like to be you. I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

I'm fighting for you. And even when I think I can't do it anymore, and this is way too hard. I remember your face and your voice and us and the memories. I need it. I need it back. I need you.

I dont know if things will ever be the same between us
and I know it is all my fault.
I dont think I could live with you in my life as a platonic friend. at least not forever
but I can do it for a while
I really hope you dont move on, on day 500
I hope our story is different.
I guess all I can really do is hope for us
I dont know if you like the roses, or like talking to me, or if you even read any of this.
I can put what I did out of my mind for a while... but when I see you, or when I am with you, and I think about it... and I really start to think about it. My entire body beings to hurt from the core and it feels dirty and disgusting and like its about to break

I loved seeing you so happy tonight. You are seriously the most fucking beautiful woman and person I have ever seen much less been with. I love watching you be happy and get tipsy. Im sorry for getting upset with you, but I am scared to death that you would do something like I did. But I guess we arent all shitty people. I fucking hate myself. I really hope you dont read these. Im so fucked up.

I miss the good mornings
I miss the good nights
I miss the I love yous
I miss the phone calls
I miss the hugs
I miss the kisses
I miss the smiles
I miss your hair
I miss our hair
I miss our breath
I miss your lips
I miss your body
I miss your smell
I miss your taste
but most of all I miss your happiness

sometimes I wish we could just start over new
like I wish you could walk up to me at a bar all over again
think I'm cute
like my hair
maybe touch it.
maybe we'd do things differently, maybe we wouldn't
I know we didnt start off perfect and it took us so long to get where we were
and I dont know what changed things really but I think it was when all of the rules started coming in
maybe we dont agree on everything
or want the same things
do you think we just dont work?
did I destroy any ounce of hope that there was for us to be perfect again
I miss my girlfriend.
I miss you
I miss us.
I know its only been about a week
but I'm an impatient 3 year old
it feels like its been years
I dont even know if you want anything from me
but you talk to me sometimes
Im shivering to my core right now and I am not the slightest bit cold
like I've told my friends
I guess I'll fight for you the rest of my life if I have to
I know a lot has been ruined. maybe we should just start over as friends
whatever
fuck the label
I just want to see you.

my heart hurts as I sit here to think
I can keep my mind busy through out the day
and make myself not think about this
what has really happened
what makes me sick
what makes me feel black inside
what makes me feel dead
I feel empty
sick
I want to vomit everything up and scream and erase what happened and erase the memory of it
I dont ever want to be touched again by another human being or soul that isnt yours.
I pray for your forgiveness and I pray for your presence in my life
what happened to us
what happened to us

like I am really fucking tired of everyone being so fucking shitty to me and my life going so fucking wrong. the only thing that made me smile today was stepping on the scale to see that I have dropped another 2 pounds. I lost my relationship. I lost my job. I fucked my life up. I cant make it to class. Yeah I fucking ran away to Florida. Yeah I dont have a job anymore because of it or any money. BUT I DONT REGRET A DAMN FUCKING THING. I HATE IT HERE I HATE ALL OF YOU FAKE ASS FUCKS THAT AGREE WITH ME THAT THEY HATE ALL THE OTHER FAKE ASS FUCKS AND THEN THEY JUST GO BE FAKE AS THE NEXT FAKE FUCK THERE IS. no one is fucking real, everything is terrible. everything is centered around fucking money.

And like sorry I dont have my rent money early, but dont worry about it. Ill have it. Ill have it if I have to sell my clothes, and my car, and my body because guess waht fuckers! Id ont have a daddy I can go to that is gonna write me a check and give me money to blow. I wrecked my car today, after everything terrible that has happened to me this week I wrecked my car in the fucking NKU circle and you know what I asked my daddy to come help. help his daughter out in a time of need. He walked into my apartment and I said awesome are you going to just change my tire and he said no, I am going to teach you how to do it. Every driver needs to know how to change a tired.

After getting broken up with, losing my job, losing all of my money, and fucking my life up, I just wish there was one person I could turn to who could help me out. but not even my fucking family can do that for me. my mom screams she has no money to help me, and my daddy has to teach me a life lesson every time something goes wrong.

Maybe I shouldnt have blew all my money on florida, but I dont regret it a bit. Id give anything to be back on the beach alone, with no one around. at least fucking sea gulls dont talk be hind your back.

suck it.

Liberation part I

Saturday, January 15th 2011. A day for liberation. A day to remember. A day to Live.

I woke up late for my 9 am shift at Bob Evans, just like any other day. Dreading getting there and hating my life thinking about going in. Trudging through the snow in my coffee and syrup stained uniform that forever smells of biscuits and gravy. I texted my friend Jesse to see what station I was in, to see if it was worth going in for. You see, at Bob Evans, like any rastraunt, there are sections with booths and there are sections with tables. Sections with booths are known as: The 30's and 40's. The 50's and 60's. Reserved for Tabitha, Janet, Jenny, and Melissa BENNET. Then there are the table stations: The 10's and 20's, and..,..eti0943ut30760y5 don don don... THE 70'S AND 80'S!!!!! (lightening strikes, thunder rumbles, and you see a scary tree outside your window shaped like a big farm burger)

The 70's and 80's is a placed reserved for the shaftees of The Farm. Aka Me, J Dusing, Chelsea Fee(occasionally) oh KEITH! haha definitely keith and on a rare occasion you will see Tabby over there. Melissa Roth isn't even lucky enough to serve in the 70's and 80's. She is restricted to the counter and doing carryout.

Well, for ONCE in my life I was scheduled in the 30's and 40's... but since I trudged in late because I dont give a fuck and the managers are retarded as cherry bread on rye and didnt know they had scheduled Chelsea Fee... they decided to give her my spot in the boothes and thus I was shafted over to the 70s and 80s. I think I made 13.75. Regardless, this is all just background information for The Great Escape.

After considerably thinking about how much shit was going wrong in my life at the time and how I hate my job and everything to do with northern kentucky and how for once I just wanted to fucking do something for me. MYSELF. I didn't want anything to hold me back. Job, money, school, nothing. I decided I was going to drive down to Florida on a whim and enjoy my life over the long Martin Luther King holiday. God bless that intelligent little african. I asked my friend Jesse if he would go with me that morning and we both started freaking out about it and really wanted to go and of course we are both huge tools so we worked Saturday night as well so we decided that at the end of the night we would pack up our bags, hop in my 2002 Navy Blue Mazda 626, and hit the road. Only problem is we are toolsx2 and both worked all weekend. How are we supposed to run away and enjoy our lives with nothing stopping us if we are scheduled to work? Easy answer. Leave a note on a napkin for your manager saying you are going to Florida, be back in a few. Which is exactly what I did. but it wasnt on a napkin. And it had a lot more detail to it.

I took the note back to my manager on duty and explained to her how my agent got me a last minute audition in with a disney cruise ship in orlando and had to leave promptly. She told me she didnt know if I would have a job when I came back and I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Welllp, this isn't my life." She wished me well on my "audition" and off I went. (***Side note, it wasn't a total lie, I totally performed the fuck out of every Kesha song at a local gay bar in jacksonville, FL, which will be told later on in the story.)

So off we were, like two donkeykongs in a forest, just me jesse and the open road. A total of 12 hours to get there, we spent our time listening to tracks of Kesha, M.I.A and The Donnas, and awesome all girl rock band from the 80s who I was introduced to. Crazy and edgy with excitement and anticipation, screaming our hearts out, beeping my horn loudly whenever we got excited, and making fun of everything, the drive was amazing. As I was getting tired of driving and looking for a place to recharge for a little while, and by a place I mean a fucking WAFFLEHOUSE, I was driving somewhere in North Carolina and all of a sudden right in front of my eyes a beautiful bright gleaming star fell right out of the sky. It didnt shoot or go sideways or anything it just fell. So I guess I saw my first shooting star. A little after this I saw some signs of civilization and an exit sign with a Waffle House on it so it was time to get off the express way, and put some waffles inside of me.

As I got out of the car, it was still ice cold. Well cant expect much difference in North Carolina of the weather. And for someone who had only been out of the tri state once in her life, and it was leaving on an impromptu trip to Chicago, just being in a different state was so cool to me. I went inside and my waitresses name was Keisha, so of course I called her Kesha. Still being in awe of being in a different state I said am I really in North Carolina? and She looked right back at me and said "oh honeyyyy you're in Cannnntonnn North Carolinnaa nowww." It was just really awesome the way she said it with an accent. And then she sand we r who we r accapella.

After a quick recharge, Jesse got behind the wheel. This was about 4 am. I took a nap until about 7, switched with Jesse and trucked it the rest of the way to Jacksonville, Florida.